


lost & found

by deadwriter16



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Canon Divergence, Depressed Keith (Voltron), Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Gay Keith (Voltron), Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Nightmares, POV Keith (Voltron), Pining Keith (Voltron), Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Recovery, Season/Series 08, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Trauma, allura and adam are alive bc i said so, one sided matt/shiro - Freeform, platonic kidge bc i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-21 12:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30022077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadwriter16/pseuds/deadwriter16
Summary: “You’ve found yourself over the years,” Pidge says, “you’re not the kid in space who ship of Theseus’d himself with every part of Lance anymore. You are your own person now, and you have been for a really long time. You’re not going to lose yourself if you confess, telling Lance how you feel isn’t trauma. Letting yourself hurt over Lance for this long is trauma. Everyone’s been really passive with you over the years, but I’m done. Keith, you gotta fucking tell him. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing how much my brother is hurting?”----------Keith loses himself loving Lance, finds himself letting Lance go, and stumbles on happiness when Lance loves him back.
Relationships: Adam & Keith & Shiro (Voltron), Allura & Keith (Voltron), Keith & Lance (Voltron), Keith & Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith & Shiro (Voltron), Keith & Voltron Paladins, Keith/Lance (Voltron), Matt Holt & Keith, Matt Holt & Keith & Pidge | Katie Holt & Shiro, Matt Holt & Shiro, Minor or Background Relationship(s), past allurance - Relationship
Comments: 26
Kudos: 52





	1. chronic

**Author's Note:**

> most trigger warnings are in the tags but just in case I'll put them here:
> 
> mentions of child abuse, childhood trauma, self-harm, and suicide attempts; suicidal thoughts/ideation, depression, and ptsd; some descriptions of violence, blood, death, and injuries.
> 
> \----------
> 
> keith, shiro, and adam are friends with both pidge and matt before voltron/kerberos bc its a concept I really like
> 
> \---------------

Trauma is often described as an event that causes a person to become emotionally detached. It changes who you are, remolds your personality into something so far away from the real you that you don’t remember who you used to be. It’s an event that reminds you of everything that makes you wrong, everything that makes you abnormal. Trauma shapes you into who you are now, and it breaks you into so many undecipherable pieces that you can’t put them back together. 

Trauma is an event that causes a person to lose themselves.

And Keith is no stranger to trauma.

Keith’s mother left him as a baby, and he had no memories of her for the longest time. All he had of her was a knife with a symbol that he didn’t even understand. His father died in a fire saving lives, but he destroyed Keith’s life in the process. He was shipped from foster home to foster home, and each family disgraced him for a different reason. As the years went by, Keith realized that nobody wanted him. 

So he tried to fix himself, and lost himself in the process.

 _He’s too abnormal, he’s a freak_.

Keith shed his black leather and tough exterior. He wore jeans and T-shirts like everyone else, he hid his knife and his violence. He tried to talk to the other kids at his school, but every attempt came out awkward and stunted. He ignored the way his heart beat different around pretty boys who pulled at his sleeve during recess.

 _He’s too aggressive, too in people’s faces_.

Keith stopped touching. Keith reminded himself that his dad wasn’t there to hold him anymore. Keith kept his hands to himself and kept his loud voice silent. He stopped voicing his opinions, stopped trying to make friends. He let himself grow more and more touch-starved until he couldn’t even remember what a hug felt like. People shook his hand and Keith refused to let himself miss the contact.

 _He’s too hotheaded, he can’t follow instructions_.

Keith learned to be submissive. Keith learned that being rebellious was wrong, that he couldn’t afford to do it like the other teenagers. If he did, his family would throw him away. Keith did whatever his family told him to do and learned to avoid slaps that way. Keith tried to tone down his personality, becoming a pushover. He submitted to the wills of other people, assured their happiness and dismissed his own. 

_He’s just_ different.

Keith hid his knife and his interest in weapons. Keith hid the way he wanted to hurt people who deserved it. Keith stopped provoking people and stopped picking fights. Keith shoved his feelings for boys out of his heart and deep into the crevices of his mind. He acted whiter, forgetting his roots in favor of acting like the American boys. He lost his language, and barely mourned it because it meant he was becoming more _normal._ Maybe, Keith thought, if he changed himself, people would want him.

But whenever someone wanted Keith, they always left in the end.

Shiro wanted Keith, he said so multiple times. Keith found a home with Shiro and Adam, who bought him leather and knives and took him to shooting ranges. Shiro took Keith to meet his family and helped Keith relearn Korean. Shiro and Adam coaxed his feelings for boys out of him, showing him that it was okay to love like that. 

Matt came by and showed Keith that being in pain didn’t have to take away his happiness. Matt loved like Keith loved, all-encompassing and terrifying. But Matt survived, and taught Keith how to be the same way. Katie shoved her way into Keith’s life and all but forced him to be her friend, showing him that she was different and she was okay, and he could be a little broken, too. Matt and her parents wanted Katie, and Shiro and Adam wanted Keith. He would be okay.

And so Keith found himself, but he continued to feel lost.

And then, one by one, every member of his new family left him.

Adam broke up with Shiro before Kerberos, and Keith was too stubbornly loyal to Shiro to understand why. Shiro and Matt left for Kerberos, and then they went missing. Katie (Pidge, now) snuck into the Garrison and Keith got expelled, and they said painful goodbyes and vowed that _this isn’t the end, we’ll see each other again_ before Keith ran away. He ended up in his dad’s old shack, a place he hadn’t visited in years. Not since his dad died. That shack was from before, when Keith still knew who he was.

Keith wishes he could say he found himself in that shack. He tried, he soul searched in the desert, staring at the stars and wondering if his parents were among them. He watched for planets, sometimes, wondering if Matt and Shiro and Pidge’s father were there. Keith searched without giving up, because he was stubborn and determined and for once maybe that was working in his favor.

He felt the blue lion pulling him, and he followed the conspiracy across the desert. He slowly forgot about family, about attachments. He forgot about people, and he forgot about trying to fit in. He told himself he was done caring what people thought, and if he ever got Shiro and Matt and Pidge back, he was going to be himself around them. He was going to be himself, and if he hurt people because of it, if nobody wanted him? Well that wasn’t really his problem, was it?

Because he told himself he didn’t fucking _care_ anymore.

But Keith did. He cared so much.

Keith didn’t find himself in that desert, he _lost_ himself. He became so detached from the idea of _people_ , he was so alone that he didn’t even really need a personality. He detached himself from reality, from his life. Shiro and the lion were his only focuses, his only thoughts. Keith stopped thinking, stopped feeling. He stopped caring about anything except for the goals in front of him. By the time he got Shiro back, he cared so little about anything _but_ Shiro that he forgot the faces of the people in front of him.

Pidge made it apparent to Keith through gestures that her true identity was a secret. So he pretended not to know her. Hunk was always oddly kind to Keith in the Garrison, but Keith didn’t remember him enough to greet him properly. And Lance? Well, Lance never said a word to Keith. Keith barely remembered him at first, only seeing a familiar face as the name _McClain_ floated around in his brain. But he wasn’t sure if he was right, so he asked _who are you_ and gained a rival from it.

Eventually Keith came to know Hunk. He enjoyed his company, started talking with him and helping him bake. Shiro recovered in baby steps and Keith was there for him the entire way through. Shiro reminded Keith what it felt like to be cared for. And Pidge was there, and Keith broke down the moment they were alone. He apologized for everything, pushing her away, leaving her, and she forgave him.

She _forgave_ him, and Keith reveled in getting his best friend back.

Keith reveled in feeling _wanted_ again.

Lance was a pretty boy, American as all get out but not white. Keith understood fairly quickly that Lance felt just as different as Keith did. Lance, Keith soon came to realize, made him feel things. Things he thought he’d left behind in Shiro and Adam’s apartment. But unfortunately, Lance was a pretty boy who Keith slowly came to love, and yet he didn’t feel love in the way other people always described it.

Shiro said when you knew, you _knew_. That butterflies erupted in your stomach and you understood in that moment, what it meant to be equals with someone, to truly understand someone the same way they understood you. Adam said that love was in the things they did for you, and how each gesture made you feel. Love was in the way your face heats up around them, and you smile at every little thing they do.

Keith never felt that way around Lance.

Keith knew, he knew that there was some semblance of love in his heart for the boy with the blue eyes. But Keith didn’t feel butterflies in his stomach, there was no swooping feeling when Lance entered a room. There were no flushed cheeks when Lance smiled at him, no careless laughing when Lance made a joke. Instead in his stomach was a dull ache, barely there but just noticeable. Keith never blushed at Lance, instead he looked down and pretended his heart wasn’t hurting. Keith didn’t laugh easy around Lance, for fear that letting go would reveal everything he felt for him.

Keith locked away his love until the chronic ache was expected, normal, and barely felt. Keith became numb once again, stopped caring about the love he was feeling. On bad days, when Lance took a hit for Keith and was stuck in a healing pod for days, Keith would sit at his side with bloodshot eyes and feel the ache in his heart bloom into a loud, thudding, suffocating pain. On bad days, Keith wished he could get rid of this love, because Keith wanted out.

On good days, Lance would come and find Keith in the observatory to apologize for whatever asshole thing he said that day under the pretense of being 'rivals'. They would stare out the window and at the universe, Keith up at the stars where his father was resting and his mother was constantly moving, somewhere out in the dark void of space without Keith. Lance would stare down at the planets dotting the black sky, wishing he was closer to where his family was. They muttered to each other in Spanish and Korean so they would never forget the languages. They learned bits and pieces of each other’s languages, too. Keith learned _te amo_ and clutched it close to his body, vowing never to forget it. 

Good days started when Keith found out he was Galra, and Lance didn’t seem to care. Lance knew what it was like to be different, and he assured Keith that he wasn’t a monster, he wasn’t the enemy, he was just _Keith_. Lance was Cuban-American blue-eyed Lance, who spoke Spanish and English and broken Korean and was human and too much and insecure. And Keith, Lance told him, was Korean-American galaxy-eyed Keith, who spoke Korean and English and broken Spanish and was human and Galra and different but _good_. And when Lance said it, Keith thought that maybe, maybe, he could start to believe it.

On good days, the ache in his heart roared to life and threatened to swallow Keith in its warm red feelings; fiery, deep, love that Keith didn’t entirely want to get rid of. On good days, loving Lance felt like letting go. Being normal, being okay. Lance didn’t want him, didn’t love him, but oh did he make Keith feel wanted and loved. On good days, Keith wouldn’t trade loving Lance for all the stars in the sky.

Loving Lance _hurt_ , it tore Keith apart until each piece of himself that he lost was replaced with a part of Lance. Loving Lance slowly became the only thing Keith was able to feel properly, and Keith found himself lost without Lance. Keith was drowning in love, and Keith adored it and hated it and kept it close and wished he could cut it up and dispose of it. And at the forefront of everything, in his body where Keith felt the chronic ache in his heart, Keith was broken because he _wanted_. Keith wanted Lance to love him, because Keith wanted to be loved.

With Lance, Keith left before the other could.

He gave his team a quick goodbye, ignoring Shiro’s disapproving but understanding eyes, avoiding Hunk’s tearful gaze. He accepted Allura’s kind smile and disappointed eyes, knowing he deserved it. He’d gone to Pidge’s room the night before to say goodbye, a night that ended in tears and a tangle of limbs as Pidge held on to Keith for as long as she could before he left. Saying goodbye to Pidge was the hardest part of leaving, the one thing that made Keith consider staying.

But then, Lance was there. And logically, Keith _had_ done the damn math. Lance thought he was dead weight to the team, but Keith had never agreed with anything less. If anyone wasn’t needed on the team, it was Keith. He didn’t feel emotions, he was uncaring and dark and _wrong_. He was Galra, he had roots and a whole new culture and a _mother_ out there that he wanted to find. Keith was useless to the team; Lance could fly Red just as well as he could. Lance _should’ve_ been flying Black, but they both knew that Shiro was objectively their best leader.

So Keith left. And as he left he met Lance’s gaze, and gave him the smallest, saddest smile he could muster. He tried to show his apology through his eyes, put all his love for Lance into one last expression. Lance smiled back, wiping at his eyes, his gaze never leaving Keith’s. Even as Pidge held onto Lance’s arm and tried to keep herself together, even as Keith felt himself breaking and decided to turn around and never look back, Keith could feel Lance’s eyes on him, watching him leave.

If there was a place that Keith found himself, it was the Blades. As it turned out, there was no place on Earth that could be there for Keith the way the Blades were. Keith never belonged by himself on Earth, his place was with the stars. Lance’s place was at home with his family, and it was at the Blades that Keith learned to let Lance go. He accepted his fate as Keith of the stars, exploring space and defending the universe. He learned that Lance would never be his, since he loved Allura and not Keith, never Keith. And Keith decided that that was okay.

Keith found himself in his Galra knife, using it to cut the ropes of prisoners and mar the flesh of the enemy. Keith found himself in his missions, fighting with people just as bloodthirsty as him, who shared the same mission over individual values as he did. Keith found himself in his teammates, learning things about every Blade and talking to them in the way Lance would. He found himself by learning about Galra cultures and traditions, understanding this new part of himself and realizing that so many things about him now made sense. 

Keith found himself in his mother, eventually. He found that so many of his traits matched hers, and he learned the stories behind why she left and found out more and more about her as the days went on. She comforted him in the quantum abyss and helped him socialize with Romelle, who became a good friend. Krolia started to really feel like Keith’s mother, started to really make him feel _wanted_. Krolia woke Keith up after nightmares in the quantum abyss of Shiro disappearing and Pidge’s lion getting hit, her body falling _, falling_ , and Red snatching her up before Keith even had time to think about it.

Keith dreamed of losing Matt again, right after Pidge just found him. Keith dreamed of Adam being somewhere on Earth, lonely and missing Shiro. Or maybe, he found happiness over the years. And Keith dreamed of Lance, Lance dying and Lance living, Lance laughing with Hunk and loving Allura. Lance being there for Keith when he needed it, Lance being Keith’s friend in a way he never believed someone would want to associate with him. Keith dreamed of Lance being with him, Lance loving him, and somehow those dreams hurt just as much as the ones where Lance died.

But Krolia was there for him, having the same dreams about Keith’s father, and Keith found himself a little bit more. He found the pieces of himself scattered across space, some with Voltron, some with the Blade, and some with his mother. As two years in the quantum abyss went by, Keith realized that this was the most he’d ever known himself, and he was starting to understand exactly who he is.

Sometimes, Keith remembers Naxela. That suicidal drive, reminding Keith that he meant nothing to the team and his loss wouldn’t be mourned. And Keith remembered every other time he’d felt like that. He saw the visions in the quantum abyss, and he remembered the pain, raw and visceral, like he was experiencing it all over again.

Nine years old. Keith remembers his father dying, Keith left with the realization that he was completely and utterly alone. He ran his finger over the blade of his Galra knife, wondering what it would be like to put that blade to his wrists. He didn’t do it.

Twelve. Keith remembers his first foster family deciding they didn’t want him, the first foster family to hit him and tell him that he was different, weird, a freak. Keith held his Galra knife tight over his wrists, then. This time, he did it. He covers the scars with long sleeves and fingerless gloves.

Thirteen. Keith got hit and yelled at and pushed around one too many times. Keith snapped, and decided to take the pills hidden in his foster mom’s medicine cabinet and drop them down his throat. So he opened the lid, and then his foster brother stormed through the door. Keith dropped the bottle. He never picked it back up.

Fourteen. Shiro found out about Keith’s scars, took him to a therapist. Keith refused at first, feeling broken and wrong. He can’t be abnormal. But Shiro took him anyway, and Keith got on Prozac and it helps, and Keith thinks he feels better.

Seventeen. Shiro and Matt leave for Kerberos, go missing. Keith was broken, but he stayed upright for Pidge. And then he blows up at Iverson, throws punches, and he’s expelled. Pidge took his place, telling Keith that he could leave if he needed to. And he needed to. So he left, and found himself all alone, once again without family. He held his knife up to his throat, scanning the glinting blade, watching his sleep-deprived reflection. He considered going all the way.

And then he remembered Shiro, who was somewhere out there, _not dead_ , and Keith was his best chance at rescue. He remembered Matt, who Pidge needed. He thought about how Pidge would react if she knew he was dead, that he’d killed himself. She would have lost another brother. Keith could never do that to her. 

So Keith spent a year in his father’s desert shack, staying alive for the people he lost, and the people he hoped to find soon.

Eighteen. Keith joined Voltron, found a family, and then lost Shiro. Again. He looked at himself in the mirror, at the dark bags under his eyes that signified how little he wanted to be a leader. He shook his bottle of Prozac and considered the pros and cons of just not taking them. He was interrupted by Lance, who didn’t speak a word when he saw Keith’s state. Just gently pried him away from his mirror, sat him down on the bed, and started monitoring Keith’s meds.

Keith started spending his days wandering into the kitchen, eating breakfast, and then having Lance throw his pill bottle at his head, with a _take your meds, idiot_.

When he joined the Blades, he remembered to take the pills by imagining Lance’s voice laughing fondly in his head.

And then Keith came back. He was someone new, someone who wasn’t defined entirely by the people in his life who he stayed alive for. Somehow, someway, he’d found a way to stay alive for _himself_. He reunited with Hunk and Allura and introduced the team to Romelle. He fought Shiro and got a new scar from it, and then stayed by his side until he recovered. 

He found Pidge again, and she hugged him until her throat became sand-dry from sobbing and her arms became sore from holding Keith’s waist too tight. He met Lance’s eyes more than once, across rooms and campfires, watching his face through the comm screens as they drove their lions closer and closer to Earth. They’d done their hugging, mumbling _I missed yous_ in their shared three languages; their crying as Keith told him about Naxela and Lance told Keith about Allura resurrecting him after he died.

They became closer, after the quantum abyss, Keith learning how to be around Lance without _becoming_ Lance. He was his own person now, and Lance was the same. They were equals, partners, individuals. Keith still loved Lance, with the same chronic ache, dull and thundering in his still-beating heart. But Keith wasn’t overwhelmed by it, Keith wasn’t choking on it. Instead Keith learned to deal with it, keep it close to his heart without letting it suffocate him.

It still hurt, it hurt so much. Lance came to Keith to talk about Allura, and somehow decided that Keith’s advice was best. Every time Lance talked about his love for the princess Keith broke a little more, but he stayed together and standing because he loved Lance. And Lance should be happy, whether that was with or without Keith. And Keith loved Allura, too, and he hoped they would be happy with each other.

Lance found Keith in a sunset, and Keith told Lance everything he loved about him without saying that he loved him. Lance smiled and walked off to be with Allura, and Keith heard all about that evening when he got back, Lance sighing happily as he described what it was like to kiss her. To tell her that he loved her. Keith noted that nowhere in Lance’s story did Allura say it back, but Keith knew she loved him. He could tell, he’d spent a lot of time observing Allura. Out of jealousy, and out of concern.

He needed to make sure she would love Lance like he deserved.

The way that Keith would never be able to.

The next day, they launched the Atlas. Keith was hurtling back into space, among the stars and foreign planets where he _belonged._ With the people he loved the most in the world, his trauma oozing from every broken shard of his mind, and the dull ache in his heart that reminded Keith that Lance would never love Keith like he loved Lance.

As Earth faded and Keith returned _home_ , to the dark and uncertain universe, he watched Lance’s heart glow when he was with Allura, and Keith finally accepted his trauma.

Keith is wanted, and loved, but it’s never going to be in the way he needs. 


	2. loss

The door to Keith’s room slides open to reveal Lance, grinning wide and holding two cups of tea. This is expected; a few nights a week Lance and Keith spend nights after dinner together. They sit in one of their rooms and hang out together, talking about anything that comes to mind (Lance) or just sitting in silence (Keith). Back when they did it at Voltron, sometimes they would fall asleep together, looking at the stars. That’s happened less now that Allura’s around.

Keith gestures for Lance to come in, making space on his bed for him to sit down. Lance hands the mugs to Keith, who puts them on his nightstand. Lance lies down on his stomach next to Keith, looking up at Keith with his chin propped on his hands. He looks pretty, like always. Keith hates that, a little bit.

“Hey,” Lance’s smile is bright, “guess where I just got back from?”

“Your date,” Keith deadpans, “that you will not shut up about.”

“I was excited, okay?” Lance pouts, “and jokes on you, cause she was excited too. Me and ‘Lura had so much fun, dude, I really love her.”

“I know,” Keith says, ignoring the ache, “you’re in the middle of an intergalactic war and Allura has those rogue Alteans to deal with, and you’re taking her on dates.”

“Well, we need something to keep us distracted,” Lance frowns, “we can’t all be serious and stoic all the time like you. Some of us need a break.”

“I take breaks.”

“You train. That doesn’t count.”

“I clean my weapons,” Keith offers.

“That-” Lance sighs in defeat, “fine, that can count.”  
Keith smiles, reaching for his tea. He sips it and sits quietly, content with comfortable silence. Lance isn’t; never has been. Keith isn’t surprised when it’s barely a few minutes before Lance is talking again.

“Don’t you ever want it?”

“Want what?” Keith turns to Lance, who looks thoughtful. This is a serious conversation, then. Keith can do that. Their talks turn serious, late at night.

“What I have with Allura,” Lance flings out his hand, “love. Settling down, being happy with someone else. Is that something you want?”

_Yes_ , Keith thinks.

“Not really,” Keith lies, “I’ve always been too focused on Voltron and the team, you know? No time for love when you’re defending the universe.”

_Or when you already love someone else._

“Sure,” Lance looks some mix of disappointed and confused, which Keith doesn’t understand, “I guess so. But I think-I think you could do both. I’m doing both.”

Keith sighs. “Even if I did, who the hell am I supposed to date?”

“Fuck, I dunno,” Lance shrugs, “Matt, or something.”

“Matt’s in love with Shiro,” Keith points out, “also ew, he’s like my brother.”

“Wait,” Lance turns to Keith with comically wide eyes, “Matt is _what_?”

“In love with Shiro,” Keith says patiently, “this is old news. How did you not know about this?”

“I don’t notice much when it comes to the Holt siblings,” Lance replies, “wait, so, he’s just been in love with Shiro this entire time? Shiro, who's pretty much married to Adam?”

“Yeah,” Keith shrugs, “don’t tease him about it, though. It’s not the type of love you joke about.”

“Okay,” Lance agrees, “I won’t mention it.”

They’re silent for a while, before Lance speaks up again, “God, though, that must be so hard.”

“What?”

“Falling in love with someone you can’t have,” Lance tucks his head into his knees, drawn up to his chest, “that sounds horrible.”

Keith nods, not really thinking, “It is. It hurts.”

Lance blinks, “you’ve been in love before?”

_Fuck_ , Keith realizes his mistake. He tries to dig himself out of this hole, but he's never been very good at handling awkward situations.

“I fell in love once,” Keith ends up telling the truth, “a long time ago.”

“I didn’t know that,” Lance’s voice is soft, “wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t even wanna think about it,” Keith’s voice wavers, “sometimes it still hurts. Too hard to talk about.”

“Okay,” Lance is quick to nod, “we don’t have to.”

“Thanks,” Keith murmurs. Lance yawns, and Keith expects him to leave. He doesn’t though, just pulls Keith’s covers over himself and burrows under them. Keith sighs down at him, making a hand gesture to give Lance permission to stay there for the night. It’s not often Lance stays nowadays, anyway.

Lance yawns again, reaching out one of his arms and sleepily patting at Keith’s shoulder.

“Keith,” Lance says, and Keith hums for Lance to continue.

“He’s not worth it,” Lance declares, “wherever he is. You’ve got us up here. And me. I’ll make sure you never get hurt again, so. Forget about him.”

It’s a really nice sentiment, the type of stuff Lance says to Keith all the time. He’s never understood it, what provokes Lance to be so nice to Keith. If he was meaner it might stop Keith from falling so hard for him. But Keith hated it when Lance was mean to him. He much prefers this.

“I know,” Keith tells Lance, whose eyes are already closed, “I know I’ve got you.”

Lance smiles and makes a small noise before falling completely asleep.

“I can’t, though,” Keith whispers to Lance’s sleeping figure, “I can’t forget him.”

It’s late at night when Keith wakes up from a nightmare, breathing hard and clutching his sheets with white knuckles. A small sob escapes him, and Lance stirs from next to Keith, slowly waking up. Keith takes a breath and it hitches, another small choking sound escaping him, and that’s enough for Lance to shoot awake. He turns around, flailing his hands around until they land on Keith’s arm, pulling at it. Keith allows Lance to take his hand in both of his, bringing it to his chest and curling up closer to it. Keith sighs at the contact, blinking away a tear.

“Which one was it?” Lance whispers in the dark.

“Pidge,” Keith’s voice cracks, “she was falling, out of her lion, and there was-was all this _blood_ dripping from her body, and she would’ve _died_ , if-”

“If what?”

“If you hadn't been there,” Keith sniffles, “you were in Red, and you saved her.”

“Keith,” Lance prods gently, his hands tightening around Keith’s, “where were you?”

Lance knows the answer. Keith has had different forms of this nightmare with Lance around a million times over. But Keith answers anyway.

“Gone,” Keith breaks, “I was gone. I don’t know how, if it was the pills or the knife, but I was gone. I left all of you, and Pidge was dying, and you saved her, but I was still gone. I don’t even know why I did it.”

Keith is crying now, and Lance shifts closer.

“I don’t want to,” Keith tries to convince Lance, “I don’t wanna die anymore. But for some reason I _did_ , and I finally acted on it, and I almost lost my sister. But she-she’d already lost me. I told myself I wasn’t gonna do it, Lance. I told myself I wasn’t gonna be selfish, but then I did it. I left everyone the way everyone leaves me.”

“But you didn’t,” Lance says firmly, pushing himself up to sit against the pillows with Keith. He’s still holding Keith’s hand, but now he’s supporting Keith, letting him lean against Lance’s side.

“You’re still here,” Lance reminds Keith, “you kept your promise, you didn’t leave anyone. Pidge is alive, and she loves you. You didn’t leave her. I’m alive, too, and I’m right here. And I’m not gonna leave you.”

Keith chokes on a sob. Lance’s hands move to latch onto Keith’s arm, holding it tight, refusing to let go.

“Pidge and Shiro and Matt and Adam,” Lance lists off the people Keith loves, “they’re all still here. And none of them are ever leaving you again. Hunk and Coran and Allura and Romelle are here. Your mom is here. _I’m_ here. None of us are ever gonna leave you. Especially me.”

“Especially you,” Keith mutters sardonically, because Lance is always with him, but he isn’t really _with_ him. Lance senses Keith’s doubt, and automatically and immediately tries to dispel it.

“Especially me,” Lance says firmly, “you’re my best friend and one of the most important people in my life. I don’t care what happens, but even if you turn evil and try to murder me, I am _never_ going to leave you.”

“Even if I try to murder you?” Keith raises an eyebrow.

“I’ll just remind you of everyone who cares about you on the good side until you agree to come back to us,” Lance decides confidently.

“That would probably work,” Keith concedes, “I could never leave you guys.”

“Trust me, we all know that,” Lance says quietly, “and that’s why your nightmares mean nothing.”

“Thank you,” Keith mumbles before yawning. He means it. Lance always helps.

“Always,” Lance smiles, sincere, “now go to sleep.”

“Going,” Keith mutters, closing his eyes. When he wakes up, Lance is still there, but he’s turned around, and he’s not holding Keith’s hand anymore. 

Keith’s palm is cold.

“Keith!” Allura hollers from down the corridor, where she’s talking brightly to Romelle.

“Hey, Allura,” Keith turns around to face her as she walks briskly down the hallway to catch up to him. Keith feels no jealousy when he sees Allura; he’s learned to understand that his love for Lance is separate and has nothing to do with her. He refuses to be upset with her for something so out of her control.

Of course, she’s done that exact thing to him. 

But Keith doesn’t want to be petty about this.

“I was wondering,” Allura pants, now keeping up with Keith, “if I could talk to you for a second?”

Keith thinks Allura’s different, here on the Atlas. She’s not their leader anymore, she’s just their friend. She acts almost human, and she’s definitely not intimidating anymore. She can’t really give Keith orders, even though she definitely tries. But now Keith and Allura are friends, and he always enjoys her company. He prefers her this way, happy and in love and equal to Keith and Lance and everyone else.

He’s starting to think she prefers it that way, too.

“Sure,” Keith nods, “wanna spar?”

“Not today,” Allura says, which means she wants to talk about something real. Usually they always spar when they want to spend time together. Keith sighs to himself; so much serious talk recently.

“Okay,” Keith turns a different corner and starts walking to an empty room with a couple of couches. He sits on one, and Allura sits next to him, propping her legs up on the coffee table. Keith does the same. He and Allura are really quite similar, something they discovered once they became closer friends. 

“So,” Keith says once they’re situated, “what’s up?”

Allura sighs heavily, which makes Keith even more nervous for whatever talk is coming. “It’s about Lance,” she says, and Keith internally groans. Except it’s not so internal, because he also groans aloud, and Allura looks at him weird.

“What’s wrong?” Allura tilts her head, “did you two fight?”

“What? No, of course not,” Keith almost laughs, he and Lance have learned through years of miscommunication that when they fight, it’s always best to talk to each other after and try to resolve it together. It solves most of their disagreements easily.

“Then why did you groan?” Allura is ever so persistent.

“Because it’s _weird_ ,” Keith gestures at nothing, “to talk about Lance. With you. Specifically.”

“Oh, because I’m the girlfriend of the boy you’re in love with,” Allura nods sagely, “that makes sense.”

Everyone knows that Keith loves Lance. Including his girlfriend. Excluding Lance himself. They’ve all known for years.

“Wow, you really hit the nail on the head,” Keith rolls his eyes with no heat behind the gesture.

“I...guess?” Allura shugs, still confused by English idioms, “but that’s what I want to talk to you about. Since Lance and I are, ah, dating, now, I was wondering how it’s been affecting you.”

“Allura,” Keith says honestly, “this is the one conversation I never wanted to have.”

“But can you have it?” Allura pleads, “for me?”

“Fine,” Keith huffs, “look, it’s all good. You and Lance both deserve to be happy, and if it’s with each other, then that’s perfectly fine. I’m really glad you two have each other, and I mean that. You make Lance happy, and that’s all I want.”

“That’s good,” Allura murmurs, “but, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Are you happy?” Allura turns her big blue eyes on Keith, and he ponders that question. Is he happy?

“I-” Keith starts, but has no idea how to answer that question.

“I don’t know,” Keith finishes lamely, “no. I don’t think so? I really don’t know.”

Allura hums thoughtfully, “Lance would want you to be happy.”

“I know he does,” Keith sighs, “and I’m trying, okay? I call someone for help when I get bad thoughts, I wake someone up if I get a nightmare, I take my meds every day, and I’m doing better. I’m really trying.”

“But that’s not being happy,” Allura points out, “that’s treating your depression. Which doesn’t make you automatically happy. What, Keith, would make you happy?”

“You know the answer to that,” Keith rips his eyes away from Allura.

“I do,” Allura sighs, “and I suppose I can’t make you happy in that sense. But Keith, when it comes to Lance and I, do not hesitate to be selfish.”

“I can’t do that,” Keith flinches, “I made a promise.”

After he came back from the Blades, he’d promised Pidge and Lance, and by consequence everyone else he cares about, that he would never be selfish again. A promise to the people he loves was the best way he could think of to force himself to never leave them again. So he can’t be selfish anymore. It never ends well.

“That was a different kind of promise,” Allura soothes, “nobody will ever fault you for this kind of selfishness. Anything you need, to make you feel better about all of this, to stop you from hurting, you tell me. And I will do it, and find some way to explain it to Lance. Okay?”

“Uh,” Keith starts, “I-”

“Keith,” Allura puts both her hands on Keith’s shoulders, her eyes boring into his with that earnest expression of hers, “if it means you hurt less, then be selfish.”

Keith swallows. “Okay.”

“Good,” Allura lets go and swings around so she’s facing forward again, “now, do you have your phone around? Let’s watch one of those Earth movies. Those vulgar comedies you like so much.”

“Sure,” Keith smiles, pulling his phone out of his pocket, “I’ve got a good one downloaded, actually, but I was waiting for you to rewatch it.”

Allura smiles back.

The next months on the Atlas are, odd, to say the least. Lance and Allura are debuting their relationship, showing it off in corridors and testing it out in the living room. Everyone is happy for them, especially Hunk and Coran, Lance and Allura’s best friends. Romelle looks a little miffed; Keith knows she has a small crush on Allura. Veronica found out that Keith likes Lance somehow, and she proceeded to tease Keith about it until Pidge threatened to knife murder her. Pidge is terrifying, especially when she's protecting the people she loves, so Veronica backed off.

Keith apologizes profusely later on.

Krolia frowns every time she sees Lance and Allura together, and so does Axca. But they don’t say anything, Axca because she came late to the party and doesn’t quite understand the gravity of the situation. And Krolia because Keith forbade her from doing so because otherwise he’s afraid she might actually murder Lance. Anything Pidge has ever expressed wanting to do to Lance, Keith is terrified Krolia would actually do it. So he keeps her away from Lance and Allura.

The people who Keith really has in his corner are Shiro, Pidge, Adam, and Matt, whenever he visits the Atlas. They all constantly “protect” him from Lance and Allura’s relationship, and he does appreciate it. Keith has never said a word to Allura, despite what she told him, because he doesn’t want to impose. He knows Allura’s suspicious, and she’ll probably approach him about it at some point, but Keith doesn’t really care.

He’s got his honorary siblings, and they’re protecting him fine. They’re being selfish for Keith, because they know he can’t bring himself to do it on his own. Each of them does things in wildly different ways, and Keith finds that some methods are better than others. Still, he appreciates all of their efforts to help him.

“Hey, ‘Lura,” Lance says one day, plopping on the couch between Keith and Allura. He turns to Keith and spares him a quick grin before his attention returns to his girlfriend. Shiro and Adam, also on the couch, are quick to stiffen, eyes narrowing. They like Lance, of course Shiro does, and Adam met him and immediately got along with him, but Keith suspects they like him more. 

Shiro and Adam practically raised him; they got him over his internalized homophobia and they got him into therapy and they showed him what being cared for and loved feels like. They’re like his parents, in some weird way. Lance, to them, is more like the trouble kid who they watch out for when their son hangs out with him. Which is hilarious to Keith, because in their relationship Keith is definitely the problem child, and Lance is the kid getting influenced by said problem child.

“Hello, Lance,” Allura smiles wide, and Lance brightens considerably. Lance leans forward and Allura prepares to meet him in the middle, so Keith averts his eyes. But before they can do anything, both Shiro and Adam are clearing their throats.

“What?” Lance groans, “I’m a little busy over here!”

“No PDA on the communal couch,” Shiro puts a finger up, “take that elsewhere. You are the Princess of Altea and Voltron’s second-in-command. Be professional.”

“You,” Lance points between Shiro and Adam, “are the captain of the Atlas and an esteemed Garrison professor. Adam also happens to be _sitting on your lap_.”

“Yes,” Adam starts, “but we’re gay. So it’s fine.”

“That’s not how that works!” Lance throws his hands up, “I’m bi!”

“Nobody in this room is straight,” Keith mutters, “playing that card doesn't work.”

“Fine then,” Adam shrugs, “we’re older and cooler,”

“I am ten thousand years old,” Allura reminds them.

“And I’m _really_ cool,” Lance says. Keith snorts, and Lance punches him in the arm. Keith punches him back. Normally that would have devolved into a play fight, but Allura sighs at their antics and Lance is quick to stop. Allura meets Keith’s eyes, silently asking about Shiro and Adam’s odd behavior, and Keith shrugs innocently. Allura purses her lips, but says nothing.

“We can’t win at anything!” Shiro practically yells.

“You know what,” Adam decides, sliding off Shiro’s lap, “I am making a new no PDA in public rooms rule. I will stop cuddling my boyfriend if it means we don’t have to see _that_.”

“We are literally just holding hands,” Lance rolls his eyes, “that’s not even PDA! Keith agrees, right Keith?”

“Uh,” Keith says eloquently.

“Keith does _not_ agree,” Shiro cuts in, “no PDA in public rooms. New Atlas rule.”

“You guys suck,” Lance makes a face, “except you, Keith.”

“Why am I the exception?” Keith’s eyes widen in annoyance.

“Because you’re my fourth favorite person on this ship,” Lance states, “and anyone above five does not suck in any circumstance.”

“Wow,” Keith drawls, “four. What an honor.”

“Well,” Lance defends himself, “Allura’s my girlfriend, so obviously she's first, and then it’s Hunk and Veronica, my brother and my sister!”

“That’s fair,” Keith shrugs, “but if that’s the case then you’re my fifth favorite.”

“Fifth?” Lance shrieks.

“Pidge, Shiro, Matt, Adam,” Keith lists, “then you.”

“I can’t believe Pidge is first,” Shiro mutters, “I raised that boy.”

“I can’t believe I’m last,” Adam says, “I helped raise that boy.”

“Uh, guys,” Keith interrupts, “Lance is last.”

“Hey!” Lance screeches, “I changed my mind. You suck!”

“Why am I not on your list, Keith?” Allura asks. Keith sighs loudly.

“I’m done with this conversation,” Keith decides, “goodbye.”

He walks out of the room, mouthing a quick _thank you_ to Shiro and Adam on his way out. They raised him, and they always protect him.

“Keith!” Lance yells, barging into Pidge’s room. Keith looks up from where he’s sitting on Pidge’s bed playing cards with her and Matt, who decided to visit for a week or so. Lance is holding himself up against the door, panting hard.

“Yes?” Keith asks, tactfully ignoring Lance’s obvious exhaustion.

“I need your help!” Lance declares, inviting himself into Pidge’s room and flopping on her bed, knocking over one of their piles of cards and earning him a “hey, watch it!” from Pidge.

“With what?” Keith fixes their card pile.

“I’m worried about Allura,” Lance states, dragging his hands down his face in obvious distress, “she’s been freaking out about those Alteans, but she won’t really talk to me, or take a break. I don’t know how to help her.”

Pidge and Matt both sit up straighter now, used to Lance asking Keith for love advice (why, Keith will never figure out), but still ready to protect Keith if it goes too far. Thankfully, Keith knows how to solve Lance’s love problems. He’s been doing it for quite a while. Keith usually treats Allura the same way he’d treat himself.

“Give her some space,” Keith says after a moment of thinking, “for a few hours or so. And then maybe get her some food and force her away for a while, but don’t say why. If you tell her you’re worried about her she’ll run away. Just treat it like any other night. Let her feel normal for a while, I guess.”

“You,” Lance dramatically shoots up and points at Keith, “are a _genius_. You are the love doctor, Keith. I don’t know how you do it.”

“I don’t know either,” Matt mutters. There's a double meaning there.

“You’re welcome,” Keith says, a little smug. He gives good advice, sometimes.

“Thank you!” Lance grins, climbing off the bed and shooting finger guns at Keith as he walks backward out of the room, “I will update you later!”

“Please don’t,” Pidge mumbles, too quiet for Lance to hear.

Keith just sighs, and then moves to reshuffle their deck.

Lance does come back to update, a few hours later when Keith and the Holt siblings are in the middle of an intense match of darts, because Pidge happened to bring a dartboard on the Atlas. When Lance comes in, Keith has just made his second bullseye in a row. Matt is screaming, Pidge is jumping on Keith’s back and threatening him with bodily harm. Keith knows not to take Pidge's threats too seriously, though. Keith just sighs as she yells at him.

“Uh, hey guys,” Lance interrupts, “what’s happening?”

“Keith made another perfect shot,” Matt grumbles, “stupid perfect aim.”

“Keith is good at darts,” Lance muses, “but I’m better.”

“Wanna play?” Pidge asks as Keith hoists her into a more comfortable position on his back.

“Nah,” Lance waves the offer away, “I gotta get back to Allura. I just came to update Keith on the advice he gave me.”

“Ah,” Keith says, “did it work?”

“Dude, Keith,” Lance’s mouth opens wide, “did it work? Hell yes, it worked! She ate dinner with me, she talked, and we are having a great night! And it’s all because of you, Keith. You are wonderful and I love you.”

Keith chokes. Matt clears his throat very loudly, and Pidge makes an inhuman noise that sounds like a cross between a squeak and a sob.

This isn't the first time Lance has told Keith he loves him, but it’s always like this, in a joking context. It’s not genuine, like it is when Lance says it to Hunk, or when Keith says it to Pidge. And Keith wouldn’t like it if it was genuine, but he doesn’t like it like this, either. Because it hurts. Keith loves being loved, but it hurts that it’s not in the way he’s always wanted.

“Shouldn’t you be saying that to your _girlfriend_?” Pidge’s tone is just a bit hostile. Lance barely notices, his face lighting up at the mention of Allura.

“I have,” Lance smiles, “like, a million times. Gotta make sure she knows she’s loved, right? Allura’s the best, you guys, especially during times like these when she’s happy and talking to me and not worrying so much. Like, seriously, you guys, remember when I thought I had no chance? Turns out I _did_ , and it’s the _best_. I hope it never ends-”

“Okay!” Pidge yells, almost falling off Keith's back from the levels of _done_ she obviously is.

“We get it!” Pidge yells some more, “we love Allura too, so can you stop talking about her?”

“Jesus, sorry,” Lance says, looking a little taken aback. Keith feels bad; Pidge is aggressive in protecting Keith, but she also loves Lance to death. She shouldn’t have to be torn between them like this.

“It’s fine,” Matt is the one who speaks. Matt understands exactly what Keith is going through, and because of that, he’s sympathetic to both Keith and Lance.

“It’s just a little annoying when you’re always talking about her,” Matt explains, “she’s awesome, but like, yeah.”

“Oh,” Lance blinks, “yeah, I get it. Just wanted to update Keith, guess I got a bit carried away. Sorry, guys.”

“I’m sorry,” Pidge says sadly, “for yelling. Really sorry.”

“It’s all good, Pidge,” Lance smiles, reaching out to ruffle her hair, “promise. I was being pretty annoying, I guess.”

“It’s not a problem, Lance,” Keith speaks up, “the Holts and I just don’t like gross romance stuff that much.”

“I like it fine,” Matt says, “you and Pidge hate gross romance stuff.”

“Because it’s _gross_ ,” Pidge cuts in, “technology can’t hurt me like people do.”

“The other day you collapsed on the ground sobbing because one of your computers glitched from a virus and then stopped working,” Keith reminds her.

“But I got over it,” Pidge argues.

“You held a funeral and made Hunk give a eulogy,” Matt counters. 

Pidge glares at him and kicks Keith in the back for good measure. Keith debates the pros and cons of throwing her onto the floor.

“It was a very nice funeral,” Lance tries, “I thought it was sweet.”

“You were just happy you got to decorate the coffin,” Matt says.

“Speaking of which, why was there a coffin for a computer?” Keith asks.

“You two have no souls,” Lance gasps, “Pidge lost a dear friend and she held a very beautiful service to celebrate their life.”

“See?” Pidge gestures to Lance, “someone gets it.”

“Oh my God, shut up,” Keith groans, “I am begging you.”

“I gotta get back anyway,” Lance shrugs, “I’ll see you guys. Good luck with the darts, and thanks again Keith for the advice!”

“No problem,” Keith calls as Lance runs out the door. Keith turns to Matt and adjusts Pidge again. 

“So,” Matt sighs, “you okay?”

“What?” Keith says, surprised, “yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“Cause Lance was ranting about Allura again?” Pidge loops her arms tighter around Keith’s neck.

“Oh, right,” Keith shrugs, “and yeah, it’s fine. I mean, it _wasn’t_ fine, obviously, but you guys helped. By changing the subject and all. Thanks for that, by the way. Just, Pidge, try not to yell next time.”

“I got it,” Pidge nods, and Keith can feel her head moving from on top of his hair.

“And you’re welcome,” Matt says, “we’re always here for you.”

“Thanks,” Keith smiles weakly, “wanna go back to playing?”

“Yes!” Pidge crows, “I’m gonna beat Keith!”

“I don’t think that’s gonna happen,” Matt says carefully.

“Agreed,” Keith smirks, “no way you’re gonna win against me.”

Pidge jabs one of her feet into Keith’s side, “you’re _on_ , Kogane.”

Keith loves the Holt siblings, even when they curse him out after they get destroyed in darts. They’ve been there for him since the day he met them, and he loves them more than anything. He’d be nowhere without Matt’s kindness and energy, the way he understands exactly what Keith is going through and walked him through surviving it. He’d be lost without Pidge’s empathy and sarcasm, the way she knows how to soothe Keith’s insecurities but also knows when he needs to be distracted, and talks to him about cryptids or the faked moon landing instead.

Yeah, Keith’s got a lot of good people in his corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can only think of the meme with this chapter name god save me


	3. penetrating

It’s a few weeks later when Keith finally snaps. They’ve had the most exhausting day, from stopping on a planet for a supply run, realizing that they’ve come across one of the planets from their old Voltron days, and then spending hours of time talking with the leaders of the planet. Keith hates social interaction, but as the leader of Voltron, he’s forced through it.

After that, they stop at another planet where the leader of the aliens there refuses to give the Atlas resources because Keith, the leader of Voltron, is Galra. The entire team is used to this happening, but none of them have learned to tolerate it. Shiro and Allura move to argue with the alien, while Hunk looks about ready to punch someone. Pidge and Lance flank Keith, watching the alien warily.

It looks like Allura and Shiro are making progress, but Lance decides to step in and try to reason some more with the alien by listing Keith’s positive qualities that make him a good leader. Lance is amazing at diplomacy, so nobody really minds this. Except for the alien, who doesn’t seem to believe that Keith can have good qualities.

Lance, Allura, and Shiro are growing increasingly more irritated, but they manage to hold their ground. The alien continues to look skeptical, but it looks like they’re being worn down. Surprisingly, it isn’t until the alien agrees to give them resources that shit hits the fan.

“We will provide you with the provisions you need,” the alien finally says, and Keith is breathing a sigh of relief, Shiro and Allura are visibly relaxing, until the alien continues.

“Even if the leader of Voltron is a monster.”

Keith flinches, hard. He tries to remember to breathe, tries not to visibly show how much that word affects him, but pretty much everyone notices. Lance glances to Keith for a split second, and his eyes immediately darken.

Keith has to physically hold Pidge back. Hunk uses the tiniest bit of self-restraint he has left to not barge forward. Allura looks like she’s having a terrible time trying to hold both Lance and Shiro back behind her, except that Lance slips under her arm and makes the very intelligent decision to sucker-punch the alien in the face.

Keith appreciates the gesture, but now they are very fucked.

Also, Lance doesn’t seem to regret it one bit, and Shiro is unfortunately encouraging him. Shiro gives Lance a fist bump to his bloody knuckles, and even Allura has to try very hard not to smile in approval at Lance. Pidge gives Lance a high five as he walks by, and Hunk just sighs.

The aliens refuse to give them resources after that, so they just make a stop on another, more hospitable and accepting planet.

“You okay?” Lance whispers to Keith later on the ship, “I know you hate that word.”

Keith does hate the word monster. He hates that it makes him feel different, even now that he’s found his identity a bit. Keith hates how much that word hurts him.

“I’m fine now,” Keith replies, “you didn’t have to punch him.”

“Uh,” Lance says, “yeah, I did. Dicks like that alien don’t get away with calling my favorite leader of Voltron a monster. You’re human, Keith. And you’re _good_.”

“Thanks,” Keith sighs, and Lance puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. Lance smiles at him, and then Keith smirks.

“Did you say that I’m your favorite leader of Voltron?”

“I might have,” Lance admits.

“So that means you like me better than Shiro,” Keith concludes, “you think I’m a better leader than Shiro.”

“Now wait a second,” Lance starts, “I didn’t say _that_.”

“That’s exactly what you said!” Keith yells, and Lance takes off running down the hallway. Keith runs after him, smiling at Lance’s laughs carrying through the air.

Unfortunately, the good mood does not last long. They have to fight some Galra on their way back to a more habitable area of space to fly in, and by the time that’s over Keith is exhausted. The word monster keeps bubbling up in the surface of his mind, and he can’t tamp it down. It reminds him of when he first learned he was Galra, and how much it had scared him, hurt him. It had terrified him, and to some extent it never really stopped. Keith was violent, he had a lot of bloodlust, and sometimes he lost control of himself. Some part of Keith’s mind worried that he really was a monster.

“Keith,” Lance interrupts Keith’s thoughts by poking him in the shoulder. Lance is in Keith’s room again, they’re having another one of their nights. Keith is exhausted, but he can stomach it to spend time with Lance.

“Hmm?” Keith turns to Lance, who’s pressed up against Keith’s side and wearing a face mask as they watch a sitcom they’ve both seen a million times.

“You’re thinking about it again,” Lance says matter-of-factly, “and you’re wrong. You’re not a monster, you’re one of the best people I know. You’re my favorite leader of Voltron, remember? You’re a hero.”

A hero. Keith wishes he was a hero. Lance is a hero.

“Whatever you say,” Keith shrugs, “thanks, though.”

“Anytime,” Lance responds, “and I’m tired of serious talk. Can we have a conversation about something that isn’t all deep and meaningful?”

“ _Please_ ,” Keith sighs, “what d’you wanna talk about?”

“Okay,” Lance starts, because of course he already had a topic in mind, “so earlier today, I was with Allura, and-”

Keith can't deal with this right now, not when he's this exhausted, so he lets out a loud groan and shoves a pillow over his head.

“Hey, uh, Keith?” Lance’s voice travels through Keith’s pillow, “what was that? Are you okay? Do you not wanna talk? We can just be silent, if you want.”

It’s the genuine concern in his voice that makes Keith decide to just tell the truth. He takes the pillow off his face after a few seconds, and sits back up.

“There you are!” Lance’s face lights up for some inexplicable reason. Keith was literally just under a pillow. What the fuck, Lance. Why are you so adorable all the time.

“I’m fine, I guess,” Keith says honestly, “I just-and this is gonna sound pretty shitty of me, but I’m tired of hearing you talk about Allura all the time.”

“That’s not shitty,” Lance replies quickly, “I just wanna know why.”

“I mean,” Keith cuts himself off, “it’s pretty selfish.”

“Fuck that promise,” Lance says, and then backtracks, looking horrified, “I mean, that’s a super important promise and all, but for like, one second. You can be a little selfish with me, that’s okay. So, what’s up?”

Keith sighs. He can be a little selfish, right?

“You just talk about Allura all the time. And I get it, she’s your girlfriend and I also love her, but I just feel like these things that we do at night are, like, ours. And sometimes I feel like they’re being taken over by Allura, because she’s all you talk about.

“And,” Keith continues, avoiding Lance’s eyes, “I guess I just feel like I’m losing you. I miss spending time with just you, and not hearing about your girlfriend. I get it if you don’t want to agree to that, or if you think this is stupid, I just-”

“Stop that,” Lance says, lightly slapping Keith’s arm, “it’s not stupid. I totally get it. I’m really sorry I’ve been making you feel that way. And if you want me to stop talking about Allura when we hang out, then I will.”

Keith turns back to Lance, surprised. “You will?”

“Of course,” Lance says immediately, “why did you think I wouldn’t?”

“Uh, cause she’s your girlfriend?” Keith shrugs, “and I shouldn’t have the right to monitor who you talk about?”

“You aren’t _monitoring_ me,” Lance sighs loudly, “you asked. Nicely. You were incredibly polite. You could’ve been a lot meaner and I still would’ve done it. Cause Allura’s my girlfriend but you're also my friend, man. I wanna make you happy. Believe it or not, Keith, but I don’t like it when you’re sad.”

Lance starts poking Keith in the chest, “I. Care. About. You.” 

“I, uh,” Keith stumbles, “I care about you too.”

“I know that, dumbass,” Lance sighs, leaning his head against the pillow, “I know that.”

“Well, I’ll say it anyway,” Keith replies, because he knows that Lance is insecure, “Everyone likes to hear that they mean something to someone every once in a while.”

“That’s true,” Lance nods, “but I know you care about me. Sometimes you sound like you doubt that I care about you.”

“It’s not that I doubt it,” Keith tries to find a way to tell Lance this without saying _you don’t care about me the way I care about you_.

“I just worry,” Keith finishes, “sometimes. The way you used to do, I guess.”

“That sucks,” Lance states, “and sure, I’m still insecure, but you’re right. I used to be a lot worse. And you wanna know who helped me get to where I am now?”

“I dunno, Coran?” 

“Christ, Keith,” Lance rolls his eyes, “obviously I meant you. You helped me through all sorts of shit insecurities I had going on in my head. You didn’t magically solve my problems, nobody can do that, but you really, really helped. You’re nice when you want to be, you’re actually super good at showing the people you love that you love them once you’ve started trusting them. You’re occasionally funny, and the mullet isn't even _that_ bad, if I’m being honest. I care about you, Keith, okay? Get that into your dense goddamn head.”

Keith hates the way the ache glows inside his chest.

“I’m using that mullet comment as blackmail,” Keith informs Lance, who hits him with a pillow. Keith grins.

“Thank you,” Keith mumbles after their small pillow fight, when they’ve turned off the lights and Keith is half asleep, “for everything.”

“Of course,” Lance yawns, equally half asleep, “anytime. Always.”

“Lance?”

“Yeah?”

Keith feels himself drifting off to sleep, and for one horrible moment, he loses control. He barely hears the words leave his mouth, muffled against his pillow.

“I love you.”

 _Fuck_. Keith’s eyes shoot open and he’s met with Lance, lying down on his side and facing Keith, positively beaming.

“I knew you’d go soft on me someday,” Lance grins softly, “I love you too.”

He means it in a platonic way, because Lance loves Keith as a friend. And Keith has learned to be okay with that. So he lets the words waft in the darkness and slowly turns into silence. And Keith does not pretend that they mean something else.

He’s perfectly fine with Lance loving him as a friend.

Keith will happily take what he can get.

Matt comes back to visit again a few weeks later, but this time he’s bringing business. He explains to Keith and Krolia that his rebel squad is in contact with the Blades, who need both Matt and Keith for a particular mission. Go into an occupied Galra base, steal intel from a computer that could help them, fight any Galra soldiers that get in their way, and then leave the base.

It was supposed to be easy.

It was supposed to be fucking _easy_ , Keith thinks as he runs through the base trying to find Matt, his Blade uniform hot and sweaty as he tries to keep his knife held tight in his slick with blood hands. Keith screams for Matt through the comms, trying and failing to not imagine what Pidge’s distraught face would look like if Keith came home without her brother. Keith can’t do that to her.

“Come on,” Keith mutters, turning a corner and getting ambushed by Galra soldiers. Keith brandishes his knife, wiping some of the blood off his hands with his uniform. He wishes he had Lance, someone who could snipe the soldiers from above so Keith could keep going. But this is a Blades/rebel squad joint mission, and it’s just Keith and Matt. Matt was supposed to get the intel while Keith used his Galra hands to unlock doors and computers, but their plan backfired immensely.

Keith throws his knife into one Galra soldier and curses himself for not bringing his bayard with him. He remembers Matt’s screams over the comms as a soldier got him, the way his flesh audibly tore apart. If Keith doesn’t get to Matt soon, he will die. It’s that thought that drives Keith to retrieve his knife from the fallen Galra soldier and finally give in to the monster inside of him.

Keith feels the transformation, his eyes become yellow and his skin becomes faintly purple as claws stretch painfully out of his nails. He faces the Galra soldiers as one of their equals, now, but better. Keith thinks of Lance and Pidge and Shiro to alleviate the part of his bloodlust that he can’t control, and he grips his knife tight. He thinks of Matt, who needs him, and Keith’s glowing yellow eyes narrow with hunger. He’s Galra but he’s good, and he wants to kill to protect his friends.

So he does.

Keith barely notices as his knife and his claws rip apart purple Galra flesh, in and out, in and out. Keith doesn’t notice anything but the soldiers falling; Keith is in a trance as he fights dirty and kills without hesitation. Keith is killing to protect, to save Matt and the universe and his team. Keith doesn’t care what happens to him, if he gets injured or dies, as long as Matt is okay. So Keith continues to kill.

At the end, Keith is covered in blood, the ends of his hair dripping red. He’s breathing hard, standing in the middle of a pile of Galra corpses. His fangs cut into his lips as he smiles a sick bone-chilling smile. His skin is painted purple and red, and his knife glints with marred flesh and blood. Keith doesn’t feel lost, in this moment, nor does he feel like a monster. Keith learned to control the Galra parts of himself.

This is just another part of who Keith is.

Keith wipes the blood off his mouth with his gloved hand and then takes off down the corridor to find Matt.

Matt is half-slumped against the control system of the base, battered and unconscious. He got the intel, though, and Keith pockets the drive before crouching down to look at Matt. His Galra transformation has mostly faded, so claws don’t dig into Matt’s skin as Keith picks him up and runs. He encounters a few easily killable Galra soldiers on the way, but he gets to his and Matt’s pod quickly. 

He deposits Matt into the back and sits in the cockpit, wiping off his bloody hands on his pants and gripping the controls as tightly as he can. His heart hammers in his chest and his sides throb as Keith flies them back to the Atlas. Something hurts, Keith thinks, something really hurts. Keith figures he’s injured, but he can deal with that after Matt is safe. So Keith keeps flying, keeping an eye out for the slight rise and fall of Matt’s chest.

 _Stay alive, Matt_ , Keith thinks, _for Pidge_.

Gold hair and glasses, a streak of white and a metal arm, blue eyes and a bright smile fill Keith’s mind as he flies, his one-track mind shooting the pod through space and closer, closer to the Atlas and his team. He’s almost there, Keith is close enough to the Atlas now that he can activate his comm screen and call for help. Keith’s wet hands fumble for the right keys, but he gets it eventually and soon Shiro, Allura, and Lance’s faces fill the screen.

“Keith!” Lance is the first to yell, “are you guys okay?”

“I’m fine,” Keith grunts, “but Matt is injured and in critical condition. He’s gonna die if you guys don’t prepare him a healing pod by the time we get back. We’re about two minutes out, okay?”

“You got it,” Lance says, and he and Allura leave to get to business. Shiro is still staring slack-jawed at the screen, terrified for his brother and his best friend.

“Shiro,” Keith gets his attention, “we’re almost there. Matt’ll be okay, alright?”

Shiro snaps out of his trance and nods, “okay. Get here soon, Keith.”

“Will do,” Keith stutters out before closing the comm screen and flying the rest of the way to the Atlas. He lands the pod in the Atlas’ hangar, and he’s met with Lance, Shiro, Pidge, and Allura as he gets out. Shiro and Lance meet him in the middle to take Matt out of his hands, and by how Keith is almost hyperventilating.

“Lance,” Keith wheezes, stumbling as soon as Matt is out of his arms. Lance catches him, holding him up by the forearms.

“Get Matt safe,” Keith tries to choke out, “Pidge can’t lose him again.”

Pidge is currently yelling herself hoarse over Matt, sobbing into Allura’s waist as Shiro carries Matt into the room with repurposed healing pods they based off the castle’s old models. Shiro himself looks entirely distressed, practically sprinting to get Matt safe, yelling orders to other people in the ship with a breaking voice.

“We’ve got him,” Lance brings Keith back to the surface, “he’s gonna live.”

“Good,” Keith slips again, and catches himself by putting his head on Lance’s shoulder, “keep him safe…”

“Whoa, Keith,” Lance sounds concerned, and Keith can’t figure out why, “you’re, like, passing out. Are you sure you’re fine?”

“‘M fine,” Keith is finding it hard to breathe now, “but it...somethin’ hurts.”

“What hurts?” Lance asks, his hands searching Keith’s body for injuries, “where are you hurt-”

He’s cut off by Keith’s yell as Lance hits a spot in his side that’s throbbing and stinging and burning-

“Oh,” Keith says as Lance lifts up his shirt to reveal a gaping wound in his side. There’s a broken-off Galra claw sticking out of his ribs, big enough to lodge deep into Keith’s flesh. That was what was hurting, Keith realizes. And it’s not going to heal.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Lance’s voice breaks, “fuck, we’ve gotta get you into a healing pod, too, Allura! Shiro!”

Lance calls every name he can think of as he shifts Keith to the floor so he’s lying in Lance’s arms. Keith inhales a shuddering breath, accepting his fate.

“Lance,” Keith pulls at his sleeve, “it’s fine.”

“It’s _not_ fine,” Lance sounds wrecked, “you’re hurt, you’re really hurt, we’ve gotta heal you, gotta save you-god _fucking_ damn it, where is Allura!”

“No,” Keith insists, “it’s _fine_.”

Lance stares incredulously down at Keith, who blinks. How can Lance not get it?

“Lance,” Keith rasps, “I’m gonna die.”

“No you’re _not_ ,” Lance vehemently shakes his head, “you can’t leave us, Keith, you promised, you promised, you’re not gonna die.”

“‘M sorry,” Keith mutters as Lance babbles incoherent sentences accompanied by sobs, “I know I’m bein’ selfish.”

“No, you’re being stupid self _less_ ,” Lance sniffles and pulls Keith tighter to his chest, “and when you get better, you’re never doing this again.”

“Not gettin’ better,” Keith is slipping, he doesn’t remember how to breathe, “gonna die, ‘m sorry, so sorry,”

“ _No_ , you’re not dying, Keith, shut up! Look,” Lance is crying, his tears mixing with the blood oozing out of Keith’s wound, “look, there’s Allura and Shiro, they’re gonna get you in a healing pod, and you’re gonna be _fine_.”

“Lance, I’m goin,’” Keith mutters, his eyes falling shut, “tell Pidge ‘m sorry, I love her, love Shiro, Adam, Matt, love you…”

“I love you too!” Lance yells, frantic and wild, “and I’m gonna tell you that when you get better, because you’re my best friend and you’re not gonna die, okay? We need you, the universe needs you, fuck, _I_ need you!”

 _It feels good to be needed_ , is Keith’s last coherent thought.

“No, Keith!” Lance is screaming, “don’t close your eyes, don’t you _dare_ close your fucking eyes, you’re gonna be fine you’re gonna be _fine_ -”

Blue eyes are the last thing Keith sees before he succumbs to the darkness.

“Keith!” Lance’s voice screams and cracks and breaks, and it’s the last thing Keith hears before his lungs fail him, and his heart finally stops beating.

Keith falls.

Keith opens his eyes to a white room, hazy yellow lights blinking and his arm attached to a tube of sparking blue streaming steadily into his veins. Quintessence, Keith knows, because recently they’d found a way to inject quintessence into someone’s bloodstream to heal them when their injuries need more than just a healing pod. And Keith is fairly certain that he died, so he definitely needed that quintessence. He opens his eyes wider, blinking a few times, and realizes that he’s on a bed. He’s lying under warm sheets, there's a hand tangled with his free fingers, and he isn’t dead. 

Keith thinks this is the happiest he’s ever felt to be alive.

Keith blinks his eyes open until his vision is functional, and the blue eyes swimming over him blur into a clear picture of a fatigued-looking Lance. Keith makes a small noise that sounds like a groan, and immediately Lance shoots up, squeezing Keith’s hand and smiling, an expression that looks odd on his tired face.

“Keith!” Lance says, obviously trying to keep his voice bright, “you’re awake.”

“Hi,” Keith mumbles, because his voice isn't exactly working right now.

“Oh, my God,” Lance launches himself onto Keith’s bed and latches onto Keith’s arm, holding onto it tightly, “you were dead, you know that?”

“I did say I was gonna die,” Keith grumbles, and Lance glares at him.

“And I said you were gonna be fine,” Lance shuffles closer to Keith on the bed, “so we were both right. I guess both of us have died and been revived by quintessence now, huh?”

“Pretty much,” Keith agrees, “you wanna hear something?”

“I just went a week without your voice,” Lance states, “I want to hear literally anything you have to say.”

Lance does this sometimes, where everything he says to his friends has some kind of weird romantic subtext. Keith hates it when he does that. It makes him feel warm for all the wrong reasons.

“I’m not mad,” Keith shares, “I’m glad that I’m alive.”

Lance’s small smile turns into a full-blown grin. He leans over Keith and gives him a quick hug, before moving back to the chair he was sitting in before.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all week,” Lance declares, “I’m so happy you’re okay.”

“I’m happy I didn’t leave you guys,” Keith sighs, “it’s good to be back.”

“Good to have you back,” Lance replies, and then looks at the door, “I’m gonna let everyone else in. that okay?”

Keith nods, so Lance makes a _come-in_ gesture and at the door, which swings open. Shiro, Pidge, Allura, and Matt pile in. Keith is surprised to see Matt, who has a bandage around his torso but looks otherwise okay.

“Adam, Krolia, Hunk, and Romelle are on their way,” Lance says as Shiro and Pidge run over to Keith, looking immensely relieved. Allura immediately walks over to Lance, and she puts an arm around his shoulder. Lance grabs her hand and pulls it farther down, closer to his chest. Above his heart. Keith looks away.

“Keith, oh my fuck,” Pidge screeches, “you goddamn idiot, I hate you, never do that again! If you’re injured you have to _tell us_!”

Pidge practically jumps on the bed and wraps her arms around Keith, burying her face in his neck. Keith brings a hand to pat her back.

“I honestly didn’t realize I was injured,” Keith replies, “but I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Pidge sniffles, “I forgive you, asshole.”

“Keith,” Shiro looks pained as he put a hand on the shoulder that is not currently occupied by Pidge’s head, “next time, please check yourself for injuries.”

“I will,” Keith mutters, “promise.”

“Don’t make any promises right now,” Shiro loosely squeezes Keith’s shoulder, “just get some rest. We’re all incredibly thankful that you’re okay. I can’t lose you, Keith, none of us can.”

“Thanks for saving me, dude,” Matt goes next, meeting Keith’s eyes from next to Shiro, “thanks for getting us home.”

“No problem,” Keith nods, “glad to see you’re okay.”

“Well, I didn’t _die_ ,” Matt says, “unlike you.”

“You guys aren’t going to let this go,” Keith realizes, “I’ve officially joined the ‘people who died and are now constantly guilt-tripped by the rest of the team’ club.”

“Welcome,” Lance cracks a grin, “meetings are Tuesday afternoons.”

Keith rolls his eyes, but the gesture is fond. He spends the next few hours seeing everyone and dealing with their reactions. Some people simply express their happiness that he’s okay, like Hunk and Veronica and Romelle. Some people choose to yell at Keith for being so stupid, like Krolia and Adam and Axca. Allura does some weird combination of the two, telling Keith she’s very glad he’s okay but that she will personally kill him if he pulls this kind of stunt again.

Lance very much approved that message.

And speaking of Lance, he pretty much never leaves Keith’s hospital room. Sometimes Allura sits with him, holding his hand and letting him lean on her shoulder. Sometimes Hunk brings him food and they sit and talk to Keith about the old days. Matt and Adam come around and they play games and talk battle strategy. Krolia and Lance have awkward conversations and fight over who gets to stroke Keith’s hair, which is always weird to be stuck in the middle of when Keith is awake to witness it. 

Pidge and Shiro spend the most time with Keith after Lance. Pidge shoves Lance out and forces him to take a break and get some rest, and uses her time alone with Keith to her advantage. She sits on Keith’s bed and they watch conspiracy theory videos and talk about nothing until they’re laughing so hard their stomachs hurt. Pidge falls asleep curled up at the foot of Keith’s bed, and it’s Lance who carefully carries her out when he returns to Keith's room.

Shiro is by far the oddest visitor Keith has. Normally this would never be the case, but every time Shiro sits with Keith he does nothing but grip Keith’s hand and stare off into the distance. After the third time this happens, Keith gets fed up.

“Shiro,” Keith barks, and Shiro’s eyes snap to him, “what the hell is wrong?”

“Hmm?” Shiro responds, “uh, nothing really.”

“No, something is definitely wrong,” Keith narrows his eyes, “I’m your brother and you love me and I just died. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Those are some terrible cards to play,” Shiro complains, “and fine. Just, a lot happened while you were unconscious. With, uh, Matt.”

“What happened to Matt?”

“Well,” Shiro starts, “when he woke up, he asked for me and said he had something to say. And then he told me that because he almost died, he didn’t want to keep it a secret any longer. So he-”

“Confessed to you, yeah,” Keith interrupts, “makes sense that he’d do that.”

“Wait, you knew?” Shiro turns to Keith, confused.

“Uh, everyone knows,” Keith stares flatly at Shiro, “he’s been in love with you since the first year you met. I’ve known since I first met Pidge.”

“Oh,” Shiro thinks on this, “huh.”

“So?” Keith prods, “what happened after he told you? Please tell me you were nice about it.”

“Of course I was nice about it!” Shiro looks positively appalled, “actually, the first person I thought about was you, and how you’re going through the same thing. Now all that time you spend with Matt makes more sense. I told him that even though I don’t feel the same way, I’m happy he told me and I still care about him as my best friend in the world. Matt seemed like that was the answer he was expecting, so he agreed that we can just keep our friendship how it always has been. I guess I’ve just been thinking about it a lot.”

“You didn’t say you loved him anywhere in that conversation, did you?”

“Of course not,” Shiro replied, “I do love him, but that would be a pretty insensitive thing to say in this circumstance.”

“Good,” Keith nods, “I’m glad you two are okay.”

“There’s nothing Matt could do that would ruin our friendship,” Shiro fixes a firm gaze on Keith, “and I’m sure Lance feels the same way.”

“Not this again,” Keith groans, shutting his eyes.

“I’m serious,” Shiro says, “Matt told me and we’re okay. I’ve been spacing out in your room all the time thinking about you and Lance. I really think you should tell him. This secret’s been weighing on you for years, Keith. And I hate seeing you this hurt. At least consider telling him?”

“Telling him accomplishes nothing,” Keith states, “just rejection. I’m not going to do it, okay? Lance is happy with Allura, and I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not,” Shiro sighs, “but I’m not going to try and convince you anymore. You’re old enough to make your own decisions.”

“I’m definitely old enough to make my own decisions,” Keith points out, “I lead Voltron.”

“You’ve made some very questionable decisions while leading Voltron.”

“Shut up, Shiro. Not everyone can be perfect like you.”

“I’m far from perfect, Keith.”

“That’s true. You’re the worst and I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“Fuck off.”

Keith does love Shiro, though, so he squeezes Shiro’s hand before falling asleep.

Keith recovers, and the war goes on. Keith never does tell Lance.


	4. shell shock

Nobody expects it to end like this. In a realm of white, with Allura’s tear-filled eyes as Lance clutches onto her with everything he has. Nobody on the team is sure if she’s going to die or just lose her extra Altean quintessence. Allura says her goodbyes, just in case. She goes to Shiro and Pidge and Hunk, putting her arms around Keith and softly apologizing for every harsh thing she said so many years ago. She apologizes for the way she hurt him by being with Lance. 

Keith forgives her.

“If I don’t make it back,” is the last thing Allura whispers to Keith, “take care of Lance for me.”

Keith nods.

“Make him happy.”

Keith blinks away tears.

“Be a little selfish.”

Keith holds Allura tighter.

“I love you, Keith.”

“I love you too, Allura. Come back to us, okay?”

“I’ll try my best,” Allura lets go of Keith, and moves on to Lance. It’s quite possibly one of the most painful things Keith has ever had to witness. Lance refuses to believe that she might die, and he begs her to stay alive. In the end, it’s Lance who makes Allura’s eyes steeled with determination, and she nods and tells Lance that this isn’t going to be the end. She’s going to try her hardest to come back to them. She touches Lance’s face and bestows on him Altean marks, a gift and a promise.

When Lance finally lets go, Allura walks into the light. Keith closes his eyes, and wakes up a few moments later back in his lion, in his reality. 

“Allura?” comes Lance's choked voice the minute they realize they’re okay. Keith pulls up the comm screens and looks into blue’s cockpit. Allura is there, but just barely. She looks like she’s fading at the edges, the quintessence draining from her body. She’s alive, but she won’t be for long unless they get her somewhere safe.

“She’s here,” Keith responds, “but we need to hook her up to some quintessence fast. It’s the only way to keep her alive.”

“Okay,” Lance agrees, “come on guys. Let’s go.”

“Wait,” Pidge’s voice stops them, “what’s that new planet?”

“We’ve never seen it before,” Hunk says.

“It’s a result of Allura’s sacrifice,” Shiro answers.

“Altea,” Lance breathes, “she’ll be so happy, when she wakes up.”

“Then let’s go save her,” Keith smiles, just a bit. Through the screen, Lance smiles back. They won, and Allura will be okay.

The war is finally over.

They take Allura to the Garrison’s hospital wing, and Lance spends every second by her side. She’s unconscious for much longer than Keith was, and it takes her a month to wake up. A month that Lance spends never sleeping because whenever he tries he wakes up from nightmares. A month that Lance spends sitting in a chair by Allura’s side, crying into the shoulder of whoever was around for him that day. It was usually Keith. Keith spends nights with Lance in that hospital room, watching the heart monitor beep and praying it never flatlined. 

Keith spends his days trying to distract Lance, getting him coffee and forcing him to go to sleep by putting a blanket over his exhausted figure. Keith fills the drab silences with random stories from before Voltron, or by reminiscing about their paladin days. Keith talks about how he has no idea what he’s going to do, now that the war is over. Keith figures he’ll work with the Blade, work on turning Daibazaal into a more hospitable planet. And then he’s coming back to Earth. Splitting his time between space, where he belongs, and Earth, where Lance is. Where all his friends are.

Keith plans out his entire future in an armchair, one arm around Lance’s shoulders as he stares at Allura’s prone body.

Lance’s family comes to the hospital, and it’s the happiest Keith has seen him since leaving for the Atlas. They hug him and coddle him and shower him with the love he deserves. Lance talks about what he wants to do next, thinking about visiting Altea, working at his parent's farm in Cuba, coming around to Daibazaal and hanging out with Keith every once in a while. Keith laughs, then, and decides it’s probably better if Keith is the one visiting Lance. Keith prefers a farm over Daibazaal for sure.

Lance’s family loves Keith, and he’s pretty sure it’s because they can sense that he’s in love with their son. He’s fairly certain they all know that he cares about Lance more than the average platonic friend does. Lance took Keith to meet his entire family ages ago when they first got back to Earth, and Keith was entirely overwhelmed by the amount of people. Thankfully Lance was there to navigate, making sure Keith only got hugged one at a time and not too tight, and keeping loud conversation to a minimum. 

Keith never thrives well in that boisterous environment, and probably escaped to the bathroom three times the first time he had dinner with the McClains. He has no idea how Allura survived it, but she does enjoy these types of large family gatherings. Despite Keith being the exact opposite of everything the McClains are used to, they pretty much adopted him and Keith loves them back. It’s nice to be part of a big family.

Veronica lets Lance let out his sobs, and they reminisce with his siblings about when they were little. Keith sits to the side and smiles at how happy Lance looks. Lance’s mother notices and shoots Keith a knowing look, which he decides to ignore. Hunk, Pidge, and Shiro visit every day, though they stay for less time. When Shiro leaves in the evening, sometimes he manages to take Keith with him. Other times Keith refuses and stays, letting Lance scream into his shirt when he gets a nightmare.

The month passes fairly quickly, once they get into a routine. Lance wakes up from nightmares pretty periodically, and he’s fatigued and sad to the point where Keith leaves his knife outside the room when he visits. Keith keeps Lance’s gun away from him for a while, and doesn’t let him train. There’s no reason to do so anymore. It takes a few tries, but Keith gets Lance to therapy and sits with him through the entire appointment, holding his hand. They see a psychiatrist who prescribes Lance with Zoloft, and Keith has Lance take his meds with Keith holding his hand. Keith’s been holding Lance’s hand a lot recently, but he isn't sure he minds. As long as Lance is safe.

During the last week Keith finally manages to get Lance farther outside than the apartment where his family is staying. Grateful for this development, Keith takes Lance into their large desert town on the motorcycle Shiro got for him. Lance decides to bring Keith to all the spots he used to go to with Hunk and Pidge when they snuck out of the Garrison. Lance looks bright and excited for the first time, pointing out his favorite stores and making Keith try on ridiculous clothes. 

Lance drags Keith to a Korean restaurant for lunch and Keith almost cries. In return, Keith brings Lance to a small Cuban place and Lance does cry. They talk to the waiters at the restaurants in Korean and Spanish, laughing to each other when they realize they didn’t lose their languages. They end up visiting the Garrison campus, sneaking inside their old classrooms that are closed for the day. Lance wets the hallways with the janitor’s mop and slides down in his socks, screaming. Keith just sighs and takes multiple videos, and maybe slides down the hallway himself once.

They go into the old flight simulation class and flip off the plaque that says _Prof. Iverson_. Keith finds a way to turn on the flight simulator and they race until sunset. Keith wins almost every time, until Lance finally beats his score and whoops loudly, grabbing Keith’s shoulders and bouncing on his feet. His laughter is infectious and Keith missed it, so he smiles widely back. Eventually the night custodian catches them, and refuses to cut them slack just because they defended the universe and ended a 10,000 year long war. He does ask for a picture and two autographs, though.

They leave the Garrison and Keith starts to take them back to the hospital, but Lance shakes his head from where it’s pressed against Keith’s back. Keith asks him where he wants to go, and Lance says anywhere. So Keith takes them to the hangar where they’re keeping the lions, and Keith leads Lance into Blue. Keith lets Lance pilot Blue for the first time in a long time and Keith’s proud when Lance grips the controls and there’s no panic attacks or shaking fingers like there would’ve been in red. Lance was always the blue lion’s paladin. Keith tries piloting Blue for about thirty seconds before he almost crashes into a tree. Lance laughs his ass off, and Keith loves it. 

Lance pilots blue up and up and up, all the way into space. Space, where Keith belongs, space where Lance has both good and bad memories. They walk into the back once they’re high enough among the stars, and stare out Blue’s large window. Lance’s back is pressed against the wall, and Keith is tucked into the corner next to him. Lance’s hand finds Keith’s without looking for it, and Keith lets him take it. They watch the stars and whisper to each other in Spanish and Korean and English, the way they always used to before. They almost fall asleep up there, but Lance whispers that he wants to go to one more place, and so they do. Lance pilots blue back to Earth, Keith gets on his motorcycle, and Lance gives directions.

They end up at Keith’s shack. His father’s shack, a place that felt like home and like a stranger’s house at the same time. But Lance understands the significance of the place without Keith having to say a word, and Keith smiles and mutters a thank you as they get off the motorcycle. They stand in front of the porch for a few minutes, hand in hand with their bare feet in the sand. Their abandoned shoes lay by the motorcycle. The wind blows in their hair as Keith leads the way up the steps and into the shack, reminding himself to bring Krolia here sometime. He finds old pictures of his father and pockets them in his jacket to show her when they get back.

Keith reorganizes his old conspiracy board and laughs at how far they’ve come. Lance takes it upon himself to clean the place up, and tries to cook four-year-old Kraft mac and cheese. Keith takes it away from Lance before he can do that. Instead Keith brings out a fresh box of the same thing that he bought a few days ago and kept in his bag for the very purpose of cooking it wherever they impulsively ended up by the time they're hungry. Lance immediately works on fixing up Keith’s stove and making the whole box. Keith tries to help and accidentally sets a fire, which bans him from the kitchen. By the time Lance is finished, the shack feels more like a home in the thirty minutes Lance was there than it ever did for a year.

They sit on the ratty couch and eat mac and cheese straight from the pot and decide not to wash any of the dishes. It’s well past sunset by then, but they stay up talking until early in the morning. Keith isn’t sure who falls asleep first, just that he wakes up with his face mashed into Lance’s shoulder, and he realizes that this is the first night since the war ended that neither of them have had a single nightmare. Lance shuffles closer to Keith in his sleep, and Keith sighs and smiles.

Later, as they ride back to the hospital and avoid Shiro and Hunk’s “where are you two?” messages, Lance tells Keith that this was the best night he’s had since his date with Allura before the Atlas. Keith grins.

They’re still holding hands when they walk back inside the hospital.

Allura wakes up two days later. It should’ve been a joyous occasion, one of the best days of Lance’s life, but it went downhill incredibly quickly. 

Keith and Lance are already there, of course, and at the first signs of life they quickly get a nurse and call everyone else. By the time Allura is fully awake and deemed fit for visitors, Lance and Keith are joined by Hunk, Pidge, Shiro, and Coran. Allura blinks up at her family sleepily, and smiles as she meets each of their eyes. Coran is the first to react, reaching down and giving Allura a long hug. 

Lance is second, already sobbing and holding Allura tight as she rests her head on his shoulder. There’s something troubled in her expression, and only Keith notices. He wonders what that’s about. Keith goes next, taking one of Allura’s hands while Shiro takes the other. Pidge throws herself on Allura for a hug, and Hunk gives Allura a much looser but warmer hug. They all sit together and talk for a while, catching Allura up on everything that happened while she was out. They tell her about Altea, and she smiles so bright Keith thinks he might be blind. She sniffles a little, and they all smile. 

Allura sees Lance's Altean marks and she traces them gently. Lance sits on Allura’s bed with an arm around her shoulder, and Keith looks away. 

Eventually Allura dismisses everyone, asking for a minute alone with Lance. Lance thinks nothing of it, since they are dating, after all. But Keith notices the way Allura’s mouth is set in a thin line. He catches her eye as she leaves, mouthing _you okay_? Allura shakes her head no, and Keith feels a twist in his gut as he realizes what Allura is about to do. Keith just nods, his mind knowing that this is well within Allura’s rights, but his body wants to scream at her for how she’s going to hurt Lance. Keith decides on carefully exiting the room, closing the door behind him.

Everyone else leaves. Keith waits.

It’s about an hour when Lance opens the door. Keith immediately stands up from his chair and turns to face Lance as the door clicks behind him. His face is streaked with tears, red and blotchy. His blue eyes are watery, and he looks at Keith with a crumbling expression that he quickly fixes into a smile.

“You waited,” Lance says quietly.

“I thought she was going to do this,” Keith answers. So Lance knows that Keith knows. Lance watches Keith, realizes he doesn’t need to hide, and breaks down. Tears roll down his face, and Lance’s head drops onto Keith’s shoulder like the weight is too heavy for Lance to bear. Lance keeps his arms at his side, and so does Keith.

“How’d you know?” Lance sniffles into Keith’s shirt.

“Had a hunch,” Keith replies, “what do you need?”

“Can we-” Lance lifts his head up to wipe his face, “can we talk about it?”

Lance has always liked to talk about his problems, provided someone cares enough to listen. Keith has always cared; he’ll do anything for Lance.

“Of course,” Keith responds, “just one second.”

Lance nods, and Keith opens the door to Allura’s room and looks at her. She’s sitting upright, leaning against her pillows, and she’s crying too. Keith closes the door behind them, and steps into the room. Allura glances up at him.

“I didn’t do it for you,” Allura says.

“I know,” Keith says back.

“Almost dying changes your perspective on things. It happened to Matt, too. And I think, even though it hurts, some part of me knows it was the right thing to do.”

“I’m sorry,” Keith says honestly, “that you both got hurt.”

“So am I,” Allura wipes at her eyes, “now go take care of Lance.”

Keith nods, and slips out the door. Lance gets up from his chair and latches onto Keith’s arm when he sees him. Keith just leads them out of the hospital, and they ride Keith’s motorcycle back to the small apartment Keith rented out with Pidge. Lance has one with Hunk, the four of them have been spending most of their nights when Lance isn’t at the hospital together at Keith and Pidge’s. Tonight, though, the apartment is empty. Pidge and Hunk are probably doing something techy somewhere. Keith locks his door and sits Lance down on the sofa. He gets Lance a box of tissues, a glass of water, and a pint of ice cream. He hands the pint and a spoon to Lance.

Keith sets the water and the tissues on the coffee table, and sits on the sofa next to Lance. He doesn’t put anything on the TV, just sits patiently, forces some water down Lance’s throat, and waits for him to be ready to talk. Lance wipes his nose with some tissues, cries a bit more, and then finally takes a deep breath.

“She said it was for the best,” Lance’s voice is hoarse from crying, and barely a whisper. Lance reaches his hand out towards the table.

“Did she say why?” Keith hands Lance the water glass, and Lance takes it.

“Yeah,” Lance answers after swallowing, “she says that she loves me, but it’s not really as romantic anymore. She feels like we’re better off as friends.”

Keith feels no sick pleasure at this, no happiness that Lance is single now. Instead he feels pain, and he can only imagine what Lance must be feeling.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Lance says reflexively, and then shakes his head, “no, it’s not.”

“I know,” Keith murmurs.

“It _hurts_ , Keith,” Lance puts his face back in Keith’s shoulder. This time Keith touches, putting his arm carefully around Lance’s shoulder. Lance pulls at Keith’s arm and wraps it tighter around himself, something Lance used to do with Allura all the time. Keith feels a pang of sadness at how awful this all is.

“It hurts so much,” Lance sobs, “I don’t get it.”

“Why it hurts?”

“No,” Lance grips Keith’s hand in both of his, “why it hurts so much, but it also feels right. Why does it feel like Allura was right and this was really for the best?”

“Sometimes it's like that,” Keith thinks, remembering all the times he gave Lance advice about Allura. This might be the very last time.

“Sometimes you have to make a decision that hurts, that tears you apart, but you also know that it's the right thing to do. Like when I left Pidge to go to the desert, or when my mom left my dad, or when I left Voltron for the Blades. When Allura sacrificed herself. These things happen, and you hurt for as long as you need. And then, when you’re ready, you get back up and move on.”

Lance is quiet for a while, thinking. Then he turns his head to look up at Keith, a tiny smile on his face. “You’re still a genius,” Lance says, “I don't know how you do it.” 

“Honestly,” Keith says, “after all this time, I still don’t know either.”

Lance lets out a watery laugh, and tucks his face back into Keith’s shoulder. Keith says nothing, just lets Lance cry himself out and hold Keith’s hand like it’s a lifeline. Eventually Lance sits up, rubbing at his eyes and turning to the pint of ice cream on the table. Keith, being lactose intolerant, lets Lance have all of it. Lance leans his head more loosely on Keith’s shoulder, now, and Keith puts an old cooking show on the TV. Lance never stops holding Keith’s hand on his chest, right above his heart.

Lance is asleep when Keith hears the lock turning and Pidge steps into the house. She raises a skeptical eye at their position, and Keith explains everything. Pidge sighs to herself, rests a hand on Lance’s head, and goes into her room to sleep. Keith sighs to himself, exhaling, and watches Lance sleep soundly on his shoulder. He looks peaceful, marks shining, and Keith allows himself to run a hand through Lance’s hair.

The dull ache in Keith’s soul pulses in time with Lance’s heartbeat.


	5. acute

At some point in the middle of the week Lance is passed from Keith to Hunk, and they stay holed up in their apartment for the most part. Sometimes they come and visit Keith and Pidge, Lance coming over to see Keith especially. They spend another month like this, taking care of Lance and spending time together before everyone has to separate. They’ve all got things to do after the war ends, they’ve all planned a future.

Shiro and Adam go first, deciding to take a vacation and spend some time by themselves. Pidge and Matt go next, staying with their parents in the old Holt house that Keith remembers so well. Hunk leaves next, taking Romelle, finding Shay, and starting his cooking career. Coran and Allura start making plans to rebuild Altea, but Allura talks to Lance one more time before leaving.

They’d spent most of their time apart, but Allura arrives in Lance’s apartment when Keith is over and kicks him out to talk to Lance. When Keith comes back Allura is still there, and it seems like one month cleared up their issues pretty well. Either way, they both look happier now. Keith is glad they managed to stay friends, it makes everything a lot less awkward.

Lance is the next to leave, deciding to go to his farm in Cuba for a while before coming back to the states and deciding what he really wants to do for the rest of his life. Lance had pretty much moved into Pidge’s empty room after she left, and Keith isn’t entirely ready to live in an empty apartment. Still, Keith drops Lance off at the airport with a promise to visit, and then goes home and tries to figure out what the hell he’s going to do now. 

Krolia and Kolivan want Keith in Daibazaal, repurposing it and transforming it into a better planet, joining the Galactic Coalition. Keith wants to be there, helping to rebuild Daibazall and turn the Blades into a humanitarian organization, but there’s somewhere else he needs to be first. Keith has people he needs to see, a family that he recently reconnected with, and wants to be around again. So Keith’s first stop is at the old Virginia Holt house, where Pidge and Matt’s parents originally lived before moving to be closer to the Garrison.

Keith and Shiro went to that house over breaks, and Keith spent at least two Christmases and New Years’ there. He spends Christmas there this year, too. It’s just Pidge, Matt, Keith, and the Holt parents, but even without Shiro and Adam it still feels right. Shiro and Adam do fly over for Christmas Day, and Keith spends time with his very first family, all of whom have changed so much and yet are exactly the same. Pidge and Keith still fight over who gets the mashed potatoes first, Shiro and Adam still bicker lovingly across the table like the old married couple they are. 

Matt looks freer, now that he’s confessed. He’s able to enjoy his easy banter with Shiro and Adam without looking pained when they can’t see him. His lighter mood brings the rest of the table into higher spirits, and Keith thinks about confessing to Lance once. But he’s never going to do it, no matter how many pointed looks Pidge gives him, or how many lectures Shiro tries to deliver.

After a New Years party consisting of getting stoned with Matt and finally, reluctantly, letting Pidge try some of their weed and finding out that high Pidge is a monster, Keith leaves the Holt house. He takes a ship to Daibazaal, and meets his mom and Kolivan there. They have things for him to do, appointing him as the interim leader of the Blades while Krolia and Kolivan work closely with the Galactic Coalition. Keith doesn’t mind the position, as long as it stays temporary.

By now it’s been four months since the war ended. Keith spends another three months in Daibazaal and with the Blades, repurposing and rebuilding and creating something good from the Galra empire. Keith works closely with Allura and Coran in Altea, and sometimes Hunk and Romelle come around to bring people together with food. Shiro and Adam get back from their vacation and visit Daibazaal. They announce their engagement, ask Keith to be the best man, and then leave without elaborating. 

Keith does not appreciate that. 

Keith calls Shiro, Matt, and Adam a couple times a week. He calls Pidge every day, sometimes twice a day when they’re bored, and Keith promises to visit. Keith also calls Lance every day, and they remind each other to take their meds and talk to each other in their respective languages. At this point, Keith is pretty much fluent in Spanish.

After one month at the Holt house and one month in Daibazaal, Keith finally sees Lance in person again. Keith was making plans to visit Lance’s farm in Cuba a few weeks from now, so Keith wasn’t really expecting to see anyone soon. He missed Lance like hell, but seeing his face every day was enough to tide Keith over for now. He should’ve known that would never be enough for Lance, who was a naturally touchy person and preferred to see his friends in person.

So really, Keith shouldn’t have been surprised when there’s a knock on the door to Keith’s apartment in Daibazaal, and he opens the door to see Krolia standing on the threshold with an odd smile on her face.

“Hey, mom,” Keith says suspiciously, “what’s up?”

“You have a visitor,” Krolia replies cryptically, before walking down the steps of Keith’s house and leaving. Keith blinks a few times, before noticing the figure standing at the bottom of the steps, grinning as his marks shine under the streetlights.

“Lance?” Keith yells, surprised.

“Keith!” Lance screeches, taking the stairs two at a time and barreling into Keith’s arms. Keith is almost knocked to the ground, but he wraps his own arms around Lance and breathes him in. It just now occurs to Keith how much he really did miss Lance, now that they can’t spend nights together or hang out at one of their apartments whenever they want. Keith is very glad to see him.

“What’re you doing here?” Keith asks, untangling himself from Lance to close his door and walk to his living room. Lance follows suit, kicking off his shoes and sitting on the sofa next to Keith.

“I missed you!” Lance replies, “I haven’t seen you in two months, and that should be illegal, so I came to visit.”

“I was gonna come to you,” Keith points out.

“You took too long. I get bored without you, you know. Veronica is good company, but she never stops talking about Axca.”

“I keep telling Axca to stop complaining and just visit,” Keith snorts, “she’ll probably come back to Cuba with me. I will force her.”

“I can’t wait to show you Cuba,” Lance sighs, “you are going to have a terrible time. I know you hate water, and I’m gonna use that to my advantage.”

“I hate you,” Keith says, but he’s grinning, “I always wanted to see the beach.”

“I still can’t believe the only beaches you’ve seen are on alien planets,” Lance rolls his eyes, “you might hate water, but you’ll still love Varadero. I know the best places with more privacy, ‘cause I know you hate touristy areas.”

“I do hate tourists,” Keith nods, “and I despise crowds.”

“You’re lucky my family adores you, or they’d never understand you.”

“Shit, do I have to meet your entire extended family while I’m there?”

“Oh, calm down,” Lance grins, “I told ‘em all about you. They love you already. Especially my abuela, for some weird reason. You both like knives, I guess.”

Keith snorts at the idea of Lance’s abuela brandishing a knife.

“You talk about me?” Keith says out loud, “to your family?”

“Obviously,” Lance rests his arm on Keith’s shoulder and props his head up on it, “you are in a surprisingly large amount of my stories.”

“We spent years in space together,” Keith points out.

“Fair point,” Lance concedes, and then says, “are you busy right now?”

“Right now as in today or in general?”

“Right now as in can you come to Cuba with me, like, tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Keith considers that, “yeah, probably.”

“Great!” Lance beams, and then pulls Keith off the sofa and pushes him towards his room, “now go pack. How long can you stay? A month? Two months?”

“A _month_?” Keith laughs incredulously, “I can stay for a week, maximum.”

“You’re no fun,” Lance pouts, “fine. A week.”

Keith does spend a week in Cuba. Veronica is there, so Keith drags Axca with him. They spend most of their time being disgusting and coupley and generally not anywhere Keith and Lance want to be, so they split off and do their own thing. Keith is subjected to meeting the entire extended family, and they’re all pretty happy to hear that Lance taught Keith Spanish. Keith does in fact get along very well with Lance’s grandmother; Keith thinks she knows that he likes Lance, though. She keeps trying to trap him in rooms alone, and one day Keith will not have a convenient excuse.

Lance brings Keith to all his favorite places, and Keith almost dies at how good the food is. Keith goes to two McClain extended family dinners, and realizes that homemade food is even better. Lance’s parents are ecstatic to see Keith, and so are Lance’s siblings. Keith mixes up their names twice, and they’re still happy to see him. Lance’s mother informs Keith that Lance hasn’t shut up about him since getting to the farm, which makes Keith blush. Lance’s father definitely notices.

Keith and Lance get off the farm for a little bit and go to Varadero a few times. Lance tries to teach Keith to surf, which goes about as well as one would expect. They stick to swimming, but Keith watches Lance surf and has a fun time remembering how pretty Lance is. They sit in the sand and Keith gets a horrible sunburn, and Lance laughs at him for a while. They talk about Allura, just a bit, and Lance assures Keith that he’s okay. He’s doing a lot better, Lance says. Keith is glad for that.

Keith starts on an air mattress in Lance’s room, but by the second night he’s sleeping entirely in Lance’s bed. They both wake up from nightmares, and it’s just easier for the both of them to sleep together. Lance dreams about the war and dying and Allura almost dying. Keith dreams about being selfish and his friends dying, Lance dying. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they cry. No matter what, they’re always in it together. Keith doesn’t ever feel alone, sharing a bed with Lance in Cuba.

Lance shows Keith how to handle the plants and animals on the farm. Keith successfully milks the goats and decides he does not like that. He also tries to milk Kaltenecker, which is just as weird. Lance helps his family cook every meal, putting on loud Spanish music and dancing around while cutting vegetables. Lance decides to put K-pop on one day, and Keith almost shoves the wooden spoon he's holding down Lance's throat.

It’s all very domestic. Keith aches a little more.

It’s Keith’s last night in Cuba when Lance’s abuela, Isabel, finally catches Keith alone. She’s sitting in a chair knitting, and Keith walks into the room while looking for one of his jackets.

“No lo está aquí,” Isabel says after Keith asks. Keith nods and turns to leave, but she holds out a hand to stop him.

“Siéntate,” she tells Keith, “habla conmigo.”

Keith sits on the armchair next to her, and sighs. He’s pretty sure he knows what’s coming next.

“Lo amas,” Isabel states, and she doesn’t have to specify who. Everyone in the world knows exactly who Keith loves.

“Yeah,” Keith replies in English, because his Spanish accent is terrible and he barely feels comfortable using it around Lance.

“For how long?” Isabel switches to English as well.

“Uh,” Keith counts in his head, “three years for him, five years for me.”

“That’s a long time.” Everyone knows about Keith’s stay in the quantum abyss. Nobody questions it anymore.

“I know,” Keith nods, “he loved Allura for most of that time.”

“La princesa, sí,” Isabel recalls, “but not anymore.”

“Not anymore,” Keith agrees.

“Tell him.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Isabel trains narrow eyes on Keith, “he feels the same.”

Keith dissolves into a coughing fit, “he does _not_.”

“He didn’t before,” Isabel tells Keith, “but now he does. Tell him.”

Keith shakes his head, “I can’t. I-he’ll reject me. He’s been happy without me for so long, he doesn’t need me. Not like I need him.”

“You’re scared,” Isabel observes, and God, why does Keith adore this woman again? She’s irritatingly perceptive when she wants to be. And she’s always right, which Keith hates. But she’s also his second favorite McClain.

“I guess,” Keith admits, “I’ve been hiding it for years. It’s like a part of me now.”

“Your love for my grandson will never leave you,” Isabel says, “it will only grow stronger if you tell him. Because he will reciprocate.”

“I don’t know,” Keith shrugs, “maybe, one day, I’ll consider telling him.”

Isabel smiles wryly, “that’s a start.”

“Keith!” Lance comes bursting into the room then, “there you are! I have been looking all over this house for you! Come _on_ dude, I wanna take you somewhere.”

“Sorry,” Keith ignores Isabel’s knowing look, “I just need to find my jacket.”

“It’s right here,” Isabel says, grinning, holding out Keith’s jacket.

“Oh, my God,” Keith mutters under his breath, taking the jacket.

“Adios!” Isabel calls as Lance drags Keith out of the house.

It’s dark outside, and the stars are shining. Lance takes Keith in his brother’s car, and they drive up a hill and end up on a grassy field. Keith can see an array of stars from here, reminding him of home. Keith isn’t sure where his home is anymore, but he knows for sure that it’s somewhere near the stars. 

Lance spreads out a blanket and sits down, patting the empty seat next to him. Keith sits and realizes with a jolt that lance took him to look at the stars. Like they’ve always done, during Voltron and while going back to Earth, and on Earth and on the Atlas. They look at the stars together and talk about nothing and everything.

“Thank you,” Keith says as Lance settles with his head on Keith’s shoulder.

“I know you miss the stars,” is Lance’s response. It clenches Keith’s heart, because he does miss the stars, more than anything, and somehow Lance remembered that and replicated it in Cuba for Keith. Keith, who loves Lance so much.

“And I miss you,” Lance continues, “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

“You can hang out in Daibazaal while I work for a week or so,” Keith offers, “but you should probably check in with everyone at the Garrison after that. They miss you, too. I know Pidge has been wanting to see us both for a while. And Hunk is visiting soon. And maybe you can decide if you wanna do anything else.”

“I’ve been thinking about that,” Lance says, “I was talking to Allura and Krolia when I was in Altea and Daibazaal, and they said that Earth could use a proper representative for the Galactic Coalition. Shiro doesn’t want the title anymore, and it was always honorary with him, anyway. They want to give it to me. I kind of wanna take it.”

“Do it,” Keith says immediately, “you’ll get to see me a lot more.”

“That’s what I was thinking!” Lance brightens, “and that way I can still be at the farm sometimes, but I’d be living back around the Garrison. I guess I’d take yours and Pidge’s old apartment, since you aren't really there anymore.”

“Pidge would appreciate a roommate,” Keith muses; she’s been lonely ever since returning to the Garrison and not having Keith around.

“And you’d be amazing at the job,” Keith says sincerely, “take it. Really.” 

“I think I’m going to,” Lance sighs and Keith feels it on his shoulder, “and you should come, too. When you’re all done on Daibazaal.”

“Come to the Garrison?” Keith asks, confused, “and do what?”

“Every planet has two reps,” Lance reminds Keith, “Allura and Coran. Krolia and Kolivan. And maybe,” Lance nudges Keith’s shoulder, “you and me.”

“Me?” Keith points aggressively at himself, “why _me_?”

“You led Voltron,” Lance lists, “we’re a good team-”

“So you do remember!”

“That is so far from the point, Keith. We’ve always been a good team. I’m good as a face, for diplomacy and talking to people, and you’re a good backstage mastermind, you know? Coming up with all the plans, doing the real behind-the-scenes action.”

“None of the words out of your mouth make any sense, and yet I know exactly what you’re trying to say.”

“See?” Lance smiles, eyes crinkling, “we make a good team. You should come, Pidge and Shiro will probably sob tears of happiness.”

“I can’t leave Daibazaal until around October,” Keith thinks out loud, “but it does sound nice to be back on Earth. And mom and Kolivan won’t need my help after that much time, so. I should probably be able to go back to Earth.”

“So you’ll do it?” and if Keith wasn’t already convinced, the blindingly happy look on Lance’s face would’ve done it.

“Yeah, I will,” Keith responds, and Lance honest to God squeals. He throws his arms around Keith and shifts so he’s halfway in Keith’s lap, grinning so wide Keith is worried for the permanent state of Lance’s facial structure. Not that Keith is grinning any less wide. Working with Lance, on Earth, near Shiro and Pidge? More than Keith ever could have asked for. He’s got a family now, spread throughout different _planets_. 

“I’m so happy I stayed alive,” Keith whispers, and he means it. After years of wanting to die and staying alive for other people and losing himself, Keith finally feels like a whole person. Like himself. So Keith finally fucking _means it_.

Lance holds Keith tighter, and Keith thinks he hears a sniffle. One of Lance’s hands moves down to Keith's gloved hands, tracing the area where Keith’s scars are. Keith can tell Lance is thinking about them, glad the scars never became anything worse.

“I am too,” Lance mumbles, “so happy you’re here.”

Keith smiles up at the night sky and rests his head in Lance’s hair.

_Tell him_ , the words echo in his head, _he feels the same._

It’s not the right time, Keith thinks. He’s not sure there will ever be a right time. He’s been content not confessing for years now, and he doesn’t need to confess now. The dull, chronic hurt in his heart is coursing through his veins, and Keith is okay with that. He’s happy right where he is, because he’s still with Lance.

Lance sighs, turning his head so his blue eyes look straight into Keith’s galaxy irises. Keith looks right back. The two of them are the ocean and the night sky, the sun and the stars. Earth and space. Cuban and Korean, blue and red, Lance and Keith.

“I love you,” Lance says. Keith knows it’s platonic. He accepts that.

“I love you too,” Keith tells the truth. He lets himself ache.

_I love him_ , Keith thinks to the stars, shouting it across space with his mind.

_Lo amo_ , Keith’s heart silently screams to the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations: (if any of this is wrong pls tell me i forgot all the spanish i've learned over the last decade)
> 
> no lo está aquí - it's not here
> 
> siéntate - sit down
> 
> habla conmigo - talk with me
> 
> lo amas - you love him
> 
> lo amo - i love him


	6. blunt force

Keith goes back to Daibazaal the next day. Lance decides not to go back with Keith, instead saying he’ll come to visit another time. This results in a very long goodbye at Keith’s ship in which Keith has to give every single member of the McClain family a hug. He’s given a very large amount of food to take back with him, and Isabel knitted Keith a sweater and made him a sheath for his knife. It’s blue, which cannot possibly be a coincidence. Lance walks Keith as far as he can possibly go, his arms around Keith’s neck, hanging off of him as Keith walks into his ship. 

  
Keith tells Lance that he can come back for another week, but Lance shakes his head. He wants to be with his family, Keith knows, and Lance promises to come back in a few weeks, when Keith was originally going to come to Cuba. Keith takes off to Daibazaal and looks out the window, where Lance is waving like a little kid and probably straining his arm. Keith waves back once before shooting off into space. He gets back to Daibazaal, tells Krolia and Kolivan that he’s going to take the job as the Earth rep for the Coalition, and they both express their pride in him.

Keith stays on Daibazaal for another two months before visiting Earth. Kolivan tells Keith that he can be the official leader of the Blades and handle it from Earth, so Keith agrees to take the position. They have a small function to make it legal and official, and Keith invites everyone from Voltron because they’d kill him if he didn’t tell them about this. Everyone comes; Shiro cries and Adam announces their wedding date in June. Pidge screams over Keith's career successes and offers very enthusiastic congratulations, Matt does the same but on a lower scale of excitement. Allura and Coran look incredibly proud, Hunk and Romelle give Keith happy hugs.

Lance grabs onto Keith’s arm like he usually does and stubbornly refuses to let go, which leads to Keith dragging him around like a child. Lance tells Keith about the works he’s started to do on Earth, and how he’s working with Allura and Coran more. Allura and Lance seem to be much better friends now, and Keith hears that Lance has been visiting her on Altea. Keith doesn’t miss the way Allura and Romelle seem closer, either. Matt, Shiro, and Adam have become somehow closer than they were before, especially since both Shiro and Adam know about Matt’s confession and Matt seems to be slowly getting over Shiro. Keith is proud of him for that.

Pidge complains to Keith about living with Lance, but also sounds like she doesn’t really mind. She begs Keith to visit, and Keith promises he’ll come soon. They spend some time on the dance floor, dancing to the playlist of shitty pop songs that Matt wrangled the confused Galran DJ into playing. Keith picks her up and practically throws her because she weighs nothing, and Pidge screeches but she’s smiling. Keith is smiling too; he’s missed having all his friends in the same room. Keith spends some time avoiding social interaction with Pidge and Adam in a corner, until Lance finds him and drags him back to the dancefloor. 

Keith has never enjoyed dancing with Lance, mostly because Lance’s face is very close to his and Keith has to pretend that he’s not blushing. Still, Keith always lets Lance drag him out, and Keith avoids Shiro’s knowing grin as Lance slow dances Keith back and forth across the floor. A Spanish song comes on and Lance gets more enthusiastic, spinning Keith around until he’s dizzy from more than just the alcohol. As it turns out, introducing Matt and Lance to each other was the worst idea in the history of ideas. They are very obviously in cahoots, because very loud K-pop starts blasting from the speakers while Lance is Salsa-ing Keith around.

Keith considers strangling Lance, but his smile is so wide and his blue eyes are glittering, and the sight is so blinding that Keith is momentarily unable to do anything.

Keith wonders if Lance will ever stop rendering him immovable.

After the Blades function, Lance stays with Keith for another week. Once he leaves, Keith settles into his position as the real leader of the Blades while fixing up Daibazaal some more. It’s April now, and Keith plans to be done with Daibazaal by October. Keith has never been this excited to settle permanently on Earth, and he knows it’s because he still gets to go out into space on Blade missions and visit Daibazaal and Altea and hundreds of other planets. And he’ll get to do it with Lance. No matter where Keith is, he will always be out in the stars, exploring the universe. It’s where he was meant to be, and he’ll always come back down to Earth when he’s done.

In the middle of April, Keith finally visits Earth. He takes his ship to the Garrison, and Adam comes to pick him up. If Keith is being honest, he expected more people, but Adam is enough for Keith to be unreasonably happy to be back on Earth. He’s staying with Pidge and Lance for the next two weeks, and he’s missed the old apartment he only got to spend two months in. Adam has an oddly blank expression on his face as he parks in the garage and they go up the elevator, and Keith starts to get suspicious. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong, he got Pidge about seven separate birthday presents last week. Still, Keith keeps an eye out.

They get to Pidge and Lance’s apartment and Keith feels a rush of nostalgia for Earth. Adam opens the door and the room is dark, so Keith figures Pidge and Lance are out. He is definitely not expecting it when the lights turn on, people yell surprise, and there’s a very large banner that says _happy birthday Pidge_ , but it’s crossed off and above it reads _welcome home Keith_ . Keith’s first reaction is to start laughing, because of course they reused Pidge’s birthday decorations. Keith’s second reaction is realizing that the banner reads welcome _home_ , and Keith wonders when Earth really did start feeling like his home. Everyone who was at the Blades function is here, and it really does feel like home. Even Krolia somehow got here without Keith noticing.

Lance is there, and he’s the first to bound over to Keith and hug him so hard Keith does actually get knocked to the floor this time. Keith laughs hard and lets it happen, his arms coming around Lance’s back to grip on the red flannel that Keith is sure isn’t Lance’s. Mainly because Keith remembers buying that when he got back to Earth. Keith isn’t sure how to feel about the realization that Lance basically moved into Keith’s old room and is wearing his clothes. There’s a lot of red cheeks involved, and this warm feeling in his stomach that Keith is entirely used to feeling when it comes to Lance. Keith decides he doesn’t mind.

After Lance lets Keith go, Shiro helps Keith up and gives him a long hug, telling Keith how much everyone missed him. Matt gives Keith a hug, too, and then pawns him off to Pidge. Pidge pulls Keith into her own bone crushing hug, and then Keith spends the rest of his welcome home party with Pidge on his back and Lance attached to his arm. Keith has no idea when people started touching him again, or when Keith started to let them. But he was touch starved for so long, and having Pidge and Lance always touching him makes him feel grounded. He never gets tired of Pidge’s weight on his back or Lance dragging him wherever he wants to go to socialize.

The party ends with everyone leaving except for the paladins, Matt, Adam and Allura. Coran is also technically here, but he’s passed out in Pidge’s room. Keith and Matt are stoned again, and Lance decides to join them. High Lance is basically just sleep-deprived Lance on steroids. Pidge also gets stoned, despite Shiro almost bursting into tears, Adam looking incredibly disapproving, and Lance yelling at Keith for letting the child try weed. Keith just rolls his eyes and grins. Hunk and Allura do not get stoned, but they are very drunk. Allura and Keith both have incredibly high alien tolerance, so Allura uses extra strong Altean alcohol and Keith takes a while to get high. Once they do, it becomes immediately chaotic.

Between a very affectionate stoned Keith, drunk-crying Hunk and angry drunk Allura, Lance gets repeatedly either defeated in arm wrestling or hugged until he’s out of breath. Keith and Pidge spend a lot of time contemplating life and whether cryptids are real, and Shiro, the only sober one, tries to deal with high off his ass nihilist Matt and Adam the flirty drunk. Shiro is also technically responsible for everyone else, since he is essentially all of their dads. The party ends with Shiro piling Adam, Matt, Hunk, Coran, and Allura into their large SUV and leaving at around 3am.

Lance, Keith, and Pidge pass out on the same sofa. Lance is squeezed between Keith's side and the back of the sofa, half of Keith’s body hanging off the sofa, and Pidge curls up at Keith’s feet. They wake up with the worst headaches known to man, and spend the entire rest of the day watching TV on the same sofa they slept on without getting up and purposely ignoring Shiro’s calls. They spend the rest of the week pretty much entirely like that, lazing around and taking time off work.

Keith and Lance don’t even bother fighting over who gets the sofa. The second night, Lance drags Keith to his bed and they both sleep there. Pidge finds out the next morning and gives Keith a sharp, pointed look that he chooses to ignore. He has a feeling Pidge is going to tell him to confess at some point during this trip, but Keith still prays that she doesn’t mention it. And she doesn’t, for the first week. She lets Keith steadily ignore his thrumming ache when Lance takes his hand, or tangles their legs together. Pidge spares them only a glance, before going back to whatever she was doing. Keith appreciates it, but only because he has no idea what’s coming.

Keith doesn’t think there’s anyone in the universe (except maybe Slav) who could’ve predicted what happened on Saturday.

Saturday finds Lance out of the house on a grocery run. Keith and Pidge are playing video games in Pidge’s room when Pidge abruptly turns the TV off and turns in Keith’s direction. Her expression is stern, light reflecting off her glasses and making Keith blink. He sighs in anticipation, he knows exactly what’s coming next.

“Keith,” Pidge says in her _we-need-to-talk-about-Lance_ voice.

“No,” Keith says immediately, “Pidge, please, no.”

“Yes,” Pidge’s voice is firm, “we are talking about this. Think about it, Keith. How many people in the last two years have told you to tell Lance?”

Keith thinks about it. Reluctantly, he knows the answer. 

“Everyone,” Keith mutters, “everyone I know.”

“Exactly!” Pidge yells, and then quiets down a bit, “even _Matt_ confessed, and he told you to do it too. Lance’s fucking grandmother told you to! Keith, it’s been years and I’m tired of this. I’m tired of living with Lance and seeing nothing but him hurting you. I’m tired of seeing you in this much pain. I’m tired of hearing Lance talk about you at night and knowing that he feels the same. I’m tired, and I know you are too. It has been five years for you, five years of loving Lance so much your heart physically aches. If I could make it better I would, Keith, and I think this is the only way to make it better. And unlike Matt, I know you won’t be rejected. There’s nothing to lose, Keith.”

  
“I could lose _me,_ ” Keith argues, “if I’m not pining over my best friend, what the fuck am I doing?”

“ _Loving_ your best friend,” Pidge intercuts, “because he will love you back.”

“Pidge, don’t,” Keith starts, because he can’t hear this, not when it’s false, but Pidge shakes her head and interrupts Keith before he can continue.

“You’ve found yourself over the years,” Pidge says, “you’re not the kid in space who ship of Theseus’d himself with every part of Lance anymore. You are your own person now, and you have been for a really long time. You’re not going to lose yourself if you confess, telling Lance how you feel isn’t _trauma_. Letting yourself hurt over Lance for this long is trauma. Everyone’s been really passive with you over the years, but I’m done. Keith, you gotta fucking tell him. How am I supposed to sleep at night knowing how much my brother is hurting?”

“Don’t guilt trip me,” Keith snaps, but it comes out wet and sad as his voice breaks, “I’m not telling him, Pidge. I’m _not_ . He’s been through enough, what with his homesickness and his insecurity and being in space for years and with Allura and his PTSD. I’m not going to tell him and just _dump_ my problems onto him. None of this is his responsibility or his fault. It’s my problem, and I’m gonna keep it that way. I don’t think he feels the same, Pidge. Honestly, I don’t. There’s just no way someone like Lance could or should have to love someone like me.”

“That’s bullshit-” Pidge starts, but Keith cuts her off, his voice raising a bit.

“He was happy without me!” Keith’s voice cracks into a sob, “he was happy without me and he will continue to be happy without me. And I made a promise that I wouldn’t be selfish, and letting Lance love me would be so fucking selfish. I’m broken, Pidge, I’m suicidal and I’m abnormal and a freak and whatever the fuck else everyone’s been telling me my whole life. They’re _right,_ you know. And Lance doesn’t deserve to deal with any of that, and he doesn't deserve me. So yeah, maybe my stupid fucking self pity is the reason why I’ve never told him, and I’m still not going to.”

“Keith, stop!” Pidge yells, and she’s crying too, “can’t you see it’s hurting you? Your heart is literally breaking into pieces right in front of me! How are you supposed to live with this? How have you _been_ living with this? How much longer can you _survive_ like this? Keith, loving Lance and not telling him is fucking killing you!”

“It’s been killing me for _years_ ,” Keith feels one hot tear roll down his red cheek, “It’s been hurting me for years. I’ve loved him for so many years that I don’t remember what it feels like to not have this fucking _ache_ in my heart. I love him and he loves me back, but as a friend. And it’s broken me so much that my heart is split in half and falling apart, but I accepted that a long time ago. I love Lance, and it’s _okay_.”

“It’s not okay,” Pidge says forcefully, tears slipping down her face. And then quieter, more resigned, “it’s not okay.”

Pidge slumps forward and her head ends up on Keith’s chest. She grips his shirt tightly in her fists, like she’s trying to physically convince him. Keith just sighs.

“Pidge, it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” comes a new voice from the doorway. Keith freezes, his stomach turning over. Pidge stiffens in his arms. Keith slowly opens his eyes and looks towards the open door and the figure standing in Pidge’s room, light from the hallway bathing him in gold. Lance looks like an angel, even as his blue eyes grow big and wet and he wipes his eyes, tears tracking down his blank face.

“Lance,” Pidge is the first to speak, slipping out of Keith’s arms and getting up, “how long have you been here?”

“Since the start of the damn conversation,” Lance’s voice trembles. His words are angry, but his voice is sad, “I heard everything.”

“I’m gonna leave for a few hours,” Pidge says, leaving the room. She looks between Keith and Lance once, her voice low and commanding.

“Lance, tell the truth. Keith, don’t run away. Figure this out, you two.”

Pidge leaves the apartment, and the door closes with a _click_ as she goes.

Keith and Lance are left staring each other down in Pidge’s room. Finally, Keith gets off Pidge’s bed and goes into the living room. He gets some water for his sore throat and sits gingerly on the sofa. Lance follows closely behind, and sits too. He keeps a decent amount of space between them. They’re silent for a while, until Lance sniffles. Keith drinks some water, and the swallowing noise seems too loud. Then Keith sniffles, and wipes away a second stray tear that escapes. That prompts Lance to speak.

“It’s not okay,” is what Lance finally repeats, “how could you think it’s okay?”

“It’s always been there,” Keith shrugs, “I’m used to it?”

“You’re used to it?” Lance says incredulously, “you’re used to being in pain? Because of someone you’ve spent years of your life around?”

“It’s not because of you,” Keith shakes his head, “it’s my fault.”

“Fault doesn’t matter,” Lance argues, “what matters is why you never told me.”

“You heard why,” Keith says darkly, “everything I said in there.”

“But,” Lance sighs, “you were hurting. Because of me. If you’d told me, I would’ve found a way to make you stop hurting!”

“At your expense?” Keith scoffs, “I would never do that.”

“I would!” Lance spread his arms out, “Keith, I don’t think you understand. I would do literally _anything_ to make sure you never get hurt again.”

“You would’ve dated someone you have no feelings for?” Keith raises an eyebrow, “you would’ve broken up with Allura?”

“Allura,” Lance breathes, “oh my God, Allura. I was in love with her for so long, and I spent years talking to you about it! I dated her and showed it off around you all the time! Why wouldn’t you ever stop me?”

“Usually someone else got to it first,” Keith mutters.

“Wait, how many people know?” Lance demands.

“Everyone except for you.”

“Allura knew?” Lance’s eyes darken, “she let me date her when she knew how much it would hurt you? How could she think I’d be okay with that?”

“You were happy,” Keith answers, “that’s all I ever wanted. And Allura knew that. I told her I was fine with you two dating. You were never supposed to know.”

“Why?” Lance asks bitterly, “because you think you’re not good enough for me? Because I don’t feel the same?”

“Pretty much.”

“ _Keith_ ,” the noise Lance makes is positively distressed, “how could you possibly think either of those things? Well, the second one I kind of get. But in what world are you not good enough for me? We’re equals, we’re partners. We always have been, even when I acted like we weren’t. We are both good enough for each other, we deserve each other. You are so much better than you’ve ever given yourself credit for. And-”

Lance finally turns to Keith, looking him right in the eye, and they’re so _blue,_ “I want to be able to _tell_ you that. Every day.”

_Please don’t let this be pity,_ Keith thinks.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Keith asks out loud.

“It _means_ ,” Lance takes one of Keith’s hands and Keith lets him, “it means that I was going to confess to you while you were here. And I was expecting to get rejected. Because I feel exactly the same. It hasn’t been for as long, it hasn’t hurt even a little bit as much as it hurt you, but I feel exactly the fucking same.”

“You’re in love with me,” Keith says flatly, because there’s no _way_.

“ _Yes_ ,” Lance chokes out, “do you remember six months ago? When Allura was in the hospital and then when she broke up with me? Remember how awful I was doing? Well, I’m not doing awful anymore. I’m pretty damn happy. Now ask me why.”

Keith sighs, closing his eyes, “why are you happy, Lance?”

“Because of you!” Lance squeezes Keith’s hands as tight as he possibly can, “I’ve spent the last six months with you, talking to you, being with you, why do you think I’ve been trying to spend so much time with you? Why do you think I keep visiting you and then refusing to leave? Why do you think breaking up with Allura felt right to me? Why do you think I’m so much better and happier and freer than I was six months ago? Why do think I’m so fucking happy?”

Keith tries to answer, but nothing comes out of his mouth. When he opens his eyes, multiple tears flow down his face, little rivulets of emotion. One of Lance’s hands comes up to touch Keith’s face, wiping them away carefully. Keith shudders.

“I’m so fucking happy,” Lance says, and his voice is soft now, “because I’ve spent the last six months falling in love with you. You make me happy.”

Keith just blinks his big galaxy eyes.

“Are you happy, Keith?” Lance whispers, his hand still on Keith’s cheek. And once again, Keith doesn’t know how to answer that question. 

“I don’t know,” Keith sighs out a sob, “but I don’t think so.”

Lance leans forward, touching his forehead to Keith’s and staying there. He’s so _close_ , and for once Keith feels butterflies. His heart beats wild and fast.

“Let me make you happy,” Lance breathes, “I don’t wanna be the reason you’re hurt anymore. I wanna be the reason you smile. I wanna spend forever making up for the five years I spent breaking you down. I wanna be the person who shows you the stars every night. I wanna-”

Lance inhales, blue eyes fluttering open and shut as he smiles-

“I wanna be the reason you’re happy you stayed alive.”

Keith’s heart still aches but it’s beating, and it’s beating for Lance.

“You _are_ ,” Keith says, “you always have been.”

Lance’s eyes shine with tears, and a few of them spill down his face. Keith feels the ache in his heart becoming something closer to a _feeling_ , something that makes Keith feel wanted and loved and alive. Something that has the potential to finally, finally make Keith happy. He’s never been happy before. 

Keith tentatively reaches up and brushes Lance’s tears from his face. They sit like that for a moment, foreheads touching, hands wiping away each other’s tears, shifting closer and closer to each other on the couch. Keith isn't sure what he’s feeling, only that it’s roaring in his heart and flowing through his veins with the energy of raw quintessence. His stomach is finally feeling butterflies, and he can feel his heart hesitating to open all the way. Keith needs confirmation. He needs to be sure.

“Lance,” Keith whispers, “can you say it?”

Lance nods, his hand moving to cup Keith’s neck. And when he says it he sounds so sure, and even Keith’s darkest parts have a hard time doubting it.

“I love you,” Lance swears, and Keith can feel the ache ebb and fade away.

“I love you, too,” Keith responds, and he breathes heavily in as more tears spill down his face. He didn’t believe for a second that Lance would ever feel the same, that he would be the one to say it first and Keith would get to say it _back_. Keith searches his heart, asks himself if he feels lost. Did he lose himself?

Lance angles his head down and Keith can feel their heartbeats thud in time with each other, and no, Keith thinks. He’s not lost.

Lance’s mouth meets his, and Keith feels _found_.

He found himself a long time ago, but now he’s been found by someone else. Keith spent so long wanting to be loved, and how he finally is. And it’s not traumatic, Keith doesn’t feel numb or confused or overwhelmed. Lance’s hands tangle in Keith’s hair and Keith keeps crying but they don’t break apart, they stay on the couch breathing each other in as Keith’s hands find their way around Lance’s neck and he brings him closer, _closer_ , and Lance reciprocates but for him it’s been six months and for Keith it’s been _five years._ Keith needs Lance close enough to inhale. And he can do that now, so he does. He pulls Lance into him and drinks him in.

Lance fervently mumbles endless _I love yous_ and _te amos_ into his kisses until the words sink into Keith’s skin and both his mind and heart _believe_ them. 

He is wanted. He is loved.

Hands fumble under shirts and graze belts, and Keith isn’t aware of anything except _Lance_. They don’t go farther, mostly because they’re both crying, but Keith doesn’t care because they have time, they have forever, and Keith can have Lance close to him every day of his life. So mouths meet mouths, and Lance moves to kiss every square inch of Keith’s face and Keith moves his mouth along Lance’s jawline and his neck and buries his face in Lance's shoulder for a moment and kisses there, too, just because he can. Lance shoves his face into Keith’s hair and kisses the top of his head.

So no, Keith does not feel lost. He’s been found, by himself and by Lance. Keith’s heart aches but it’s warm and it’s burning with something _good_ , and Keith sees stars in Lance’s bright eyes and knows this is where he belongs, too. His soul is with the stars and his home is in space, but his heart is here on Earth, coveted by blue eyes. Keith feels his broken heart start to sew itself back together, blood drying and wounds healing. Keith feels the dull, chronic, pain fade out of his body and Keith feels an emotion he doesn’t recognize. But Keith knows what it is, and gives it a name.

It’s not happiness, not yet, but the crescive beginnings of it. 


	7. complex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this was fun to write  
> i regret not calling chapter 2 loss.jpg
> 
> \----------
> 
> also if anyone wanted to know every chapter is named after a type of trauma
> 
> \-----

_six months later_

Lance is the biggest supporter of Allura Day, and since nobody can refuse Lance, they do celebrate Allura Day in October on the day she sacrificed herself and the war ended. She’s alive to celebrate it with them, but everyone still believes she deserves a day. Keith and Lance go to Altea all the time anyway, but going with Pidge and Matt and Shiro and Adam in Keith’s ship as he picks them up on his way back from Daibazaal feels different. Better. It’s been a year since the war ended, and Keith cannot remember ever being this happy. Or thinking that he could be this happy.

Pidge came back to the house on Saturday to Lance asleep on the couch with his arms around Keith, who’s in some limbo between crying and grinning. He tells Pidge everything, and she smiles the widest smile he’s ever seen on her and hugs Keith so hard he almost dies. They call Shiro, after, and he tries very hard not to cry. Adam offers his congratulations, and Matt tells Keith that _it’s worth it, isn’t it_? And it is. Hunk actually does cry, and Allura just smiles proudly and holds Romelle’s hand, thinking about what she and Lance gained when they let go of each other. Lance doesn’t stop smiling until the next week when Keith has to go.

Keith has to leave for Daibazaal in April at the same time as usual, and Lance is even more reluctant than normal to let Keith go. They spend about half an hour making out against the side of Keith’s ship until Pidge comes out and yells at them for being disgusting. Keith could have argued that it’s also disgusting when Pidge wraps her arms around Keith and almost begs him to stay. She denies the begging part vehemently after, but Keith knows Pidge didn’t want him to leave. She never does.

Keith tells them he’ll visit and they can also come visit, which appeases them enough. Lance takes Keith back to Cuba as his boyfriend, this time, and Isabel gives Keith the worst _I told you so_ look and makes Keith another sheath. Lance shows up on Daibazaal as many times as humanly possible, always the first to take a mission to the old Galra planet. Krolia finally stops wanting to murder Lance, but does give him the shovel talk of a lifetime. Lance is even more terrified of Krolia by the end of it.

Keith visits Earth a few times, too. It’s there that Keith learns just how much family he truly has, because Lance gets more shovel talks than Keith got. Shiro and Adam are calm but intimidating. Matt is nice about it, but there’s a definite warning in his eyes despite his smile. Allura is direct about it, and tells Lance and Keith to simply never hurt each other again. The worst is Pidge, because she takes it upon herself to describe in detail the kind of pain Keith was subjected to over the past five years.

Keith hadn’t wanted Lance to hear any more of that, but Pidge and Lance were not having it. Apparently Lance was serious about making it up to Keith, and he still hasn’t stopped trying despite the amount of times Keith says it’s fine. Pidge threatens to murder Lance if he ever hurts Keith again, and then abruptly hugs Lance and tells him that she loves him. And then threatens to strangle him again. And punches Lance in the face, because Lance decided it was the least he could do to make her feel better. Lance is convinced he deserved it, and Keith is inclined to agree a little bit.

Keith also punches Lance, once. Lance is inappropriately turned on.

They have sex for the first time after that. Unlike their first kiss, instead of crying they’re laughing the entire time. Well, maybe they cry a little bit.

Shiro and Adam’s wedding is in June. Keith and Matt are the best men. Matt smiles the entire way through, and it's not even close to fake. His speech is heartfelt and Lance cries. Keith’s speech is also heartfelt, and Lance cries some more. Pidge and Keith do their normal chaotic dancing to Matt and Lance’s chaotic playlist, and even Shiro gets drunk this time. Lance gets wasted, stands on a table, and declares his undying love for Keith, who just stands there and blushes uselessly. Matt and Adam wolf whistle, Shiro’s grin is shit-eating. Pidge is crying with laughter, but her eyes shine with affection. She finds Keith later and tells him she’s happy for him.

Keith tells Pidge that he’s happy, too. For the first time ever.

Pidge cries. Keith cries too. They are also plastered off their asses.

Keith and Lance lock Shiro and Adam out of the honeymoon suite and fuck on the bed, because they are very, very hammered. Shiro tells Keith later that he can’t even be mad, because he’s never seen Keith this happy before.

Keith cries _again_. He’s so fucking drunk.

Later, Keith dances with Lance, and he’s finally able to enjoy it.

By Allura Day, Keith is done with his work on Daibazaal and has moved back to Earth. Pidge immediately decided that she doesn’t want to share an apartment with Keith and Lance if they’re going to be gross and coupley, so Keith started looking for apartments near the Garrison. Lance had other plans, though, because he called Keith randomly when he was in Daibazaal and yelled over the phone that he impulsively bought a house. So now they have a house. It’s nice, too.

It’s sickeningly domestic. Keith loves it.

Allura Day finds everyone piling around a table on Altea, under a statue of Allura that she designed herself, so that they wouldn’t ‘mess up her image,’ or something. Everyone includes the Paladins and Coran, Romelle, Adam, Matt, and Allura herself. Lance and Allura are pretty much best friends at this point, with a bond that would rival Keith and Pidge’s except that nothing could ever come close to that. Hunk and Lance beg to differ, and Pidge just snorts so hard Keith has to pat her back.

Now, a year after the war ends, they sit around a table, all together. So much has changed, but everyone is alive and everyone is happy. That much will never change again.

“So, Keith,” Shiro starts during dinner, “you’ve adjusted to living on Earth by now?”

“Yeah,” Keith answers, “I’m finally done on Daibazaal, and I’m still gonna travel with the Blades sometimes. The representative work lets me spend time in space, but I also really like being on Earth.” 

“How are you taking it?” Allura side-eyes Lance, who looks positively giddy.

“I asked him to look for apartments and he bought a huge-ass house,” Keith grumbles, “he also won’t stop screaming. So he’s taking it pretty well.”

“I am _excited_ , Keith,” Lance rolls his eyes but he’s holding Keith’s hand under the table, “now you can actually punch me in the face every day for five years!”

“I already told you, I am not doing that,” Keith sighs, “because one, punching you turns you on and that’s weird, and two, you getting punched does not make up for all the emotional pain I went through.”

“Nobody needed to know that first part,” Pidge mutters.

“He just feels guilty,” Matt shrugs, “when I told Shiro, he kept trying to find ways to make it up to me, too. In the end I just made him buy me dinner for three straight months when we first got back to Earth.”

“I lost a lot of money from that,” Shiro complains.

“I can buy you dinner,” Lance says, “easy.”

“That’s a horrible trade,” Keith shakes his head, “I’m just going to lord this over you and make you do me favors until the end of time.”

“Okay,” Lance immediately agrees. Keith groans.

“You’re not supposed to _want_ it. That ruins the fun.”

“Why does everything that comes out of you two’s mouths sound like some weird kind of foreplay?” Pidge asks casually. Keith chokes on his water.

“Pidge!” Hunk reprimands, “not on this sacred day!”

“Yeah, no sex talk on Allura Day,” Lance nods.

“Allura Day isn’t that big of a deal,” Allura argues, and then sighs, “oh, who am I kidding. I love having a day named after me. You all should appreciate me.”

“We do,” Romelle assures, “very much.” Allura beams.

“I hate couples,” Pidge states dramatically. Matt makes a noise of agreement.

They spend the rest of dinner laughing and reminiscing. Lance doesn’t let go of Keith’s hand once. Hunk notices that they’re wearing red and blue matching jackets, and immediately everyone is making fun of them. Keith doesn’t appreciate it, but Lance thrives under the attention. Eventually Keith gets drained from the amount of social interaction, so Lance and Keith decide to go home. Keith has learned that he can be more physically affectionate with everyone, so he hugs them all when he says his goodbyes. Keith and Lance promise to invite everyone over to their house sometime and talk for another twenty minutes, before actually leaving. 

Keith expects them to go straight to Keith’s ship, but Lance grabs Keith’s hand and leads him somewhere else. They go to the hangar where the lions are kept, and Lance pilots Blue again. He wormholes them back to Earth, to a spot in the Garrison near their house. It’s a hill in the desert, oddly covered with flowers. The night sky is dark and clear, and Keith can see every single twinkling star and planet. They sit down in the grass, Lance’s head on Keith’s shoulder. Their hands are woven together, and Lance turns his head up to kiss Keith’s neck. Because he can. Lance turns Keith’s hand over and ghosts over the gloved area where Keith’s scars are. Lance lifts both of Keith’s hands and kisses there, too. It’s a gesture that Keith knows means _I’m happy you’re alive._

They sit in silence for a while, staring at the stars the way they always have. And as usual, it’s Lance who breaks said silence.

“Hey,” Lance’s blue eyes stare up at Keith, “it’s day 200.”

“I keep telling you, you don’t have to do this.”

“Shut up,” Lance says, “I am telling you a reason why I love you every day for five years and there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Fine,” Keith relents, because he loves that Lance does that. Keith returns the gesture by revealing the darker and more personal parts of his backstory piece by piece, the parts he never shares with anyone. Keith goes from his childhood all the way to now, revealing his secrets and letting Lance tell him why he loves him.

“What’s so special about day 200?” Keith asks, staring up at the stars.

“It’s just a nice number to celebrate,” Lance responds, “like 100.”

“Okay,” Keith says, “so what’s 200?”

“You go first,” Lance deflects, so Keith does. He prefers to go first, anyway.

“Day 200,” Keith muses, “you’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with. You’re also the first person to show me what happiness feels like.”

“Every time,” Lance sniffles, “every time you make me cry.”

“Sorry,” Keith lies, “what’s yours?”

“Day 200,” Lance starts, “I love you because you’ve been through hell and back. You’ve been broken so many times, but you got back up and survived. You stayed alive through some of the hardest and darkest parts of your life, and even though you only lived for other people, that just shows how selfless you are. I love you because you made a promise to the people you cared about not to be selfish anymore and never broke it once. I love you because you learned how to stop letting your trauma define you. I love you because you never gave up until you found yourself and finally became happy.”

“Lance,” Keith says, and then kisses him because he can’t think of any other way to react. “Thank you,” he whispers when they break apart, “I love you too.”

Lance grins, and then it falters, “you are happy, right?”

For once, Keith knows the answer.

“It took a long time,” Keith tells the truth, “but I am. I’m happy. I’ve never been happy before, but I know this is what it’s supposed to feel like. So yeah. I’m finally happy.”

“I’m happy you’re happy,” Lance smiles stupidly wide. Keith smiles back. They’re silent for a moment longer, until Lance breaks the silence once again.

“Hey,” Lance says softly, “if I asked you to marry me, you’d say yes, right?”

“What kind of question is that?” Keith almost laughs, “of course I would.”

“Good,” Lance grins, “‘cause I have this ring in my pocket at all times and I was gonna do this fancy proposal, but then I figured you’d probably hate that. I know you like simplicity and privacy. I also know it’s only been six months and we don’t have to be, like, engaged, but it kind of feels _right_ , now.”

Keith feels his eyes sting. “Is this a proposal?”

“It is if you want it to be,” Lance answers.

“Okay,” Keith nods, smiling, “do it.”

Lance grins. He reaches into his pocket and produces a ring. He doesn’t bother getting on one knee, just opens the box with one hand and watches as Keith’s breath hitches. It’s a silver ring with purple undertones, the same color as his Galra knife. The same color as red and blue mixed together. Lance says he has a matching one.

Keith's eyes start to water. Lance grips Keith's hand tight, beaming. 

“Keith,” Lance starts, “you are pretty much the only person I’d propose to after six months. I’m a hopeless romantic, but even I know that six months is really soon. But also, I figure we can have, like, a three-year engagement and annoy our friends by waiting a super long time to get married. Or we can, like, secretly elope sometime and never tell them. The possibilities are endless, just like all the reasons I love you. I could tell you those for much longer than five years. I wanna tell you those every day for the rest of our lives. And because of that, and how much I love you, here I am. Very impulsively proposing on our hill in the desert under the stars after less than a year. I wanna keep making you happy you stayed alive. I wanna make you happy forever. Will you marry me?”

“Eighteen-year-old me is having an aneurysm,” Keith says, choking on a sob. Lance laughs, and then reaches out and wipes Keith's tears away.

“That’s a yes, by the way,” Keith finishes, “obviously.”

Lance grins, his own eyes wet, and buries his face in Keith’s shoulder. His arms wrap tightly around Keith’s waist, and then he looks up and kisses Keith, hard. Keith blinks away his own tears and grins as he lets Lance put the ring on his finger. 

“We should do the eloping thing,” Keith says after a moment, “it would piss everyone off.”

“We should,” Lance agrees, “also, can we keep Kosmo with us instead of leaving him on Daibazaal? And eventually, can we have a baby?”

“Yes and yes,” Keith nods, “we should adopt a girl.”

“A girl?” Lance sighs blissfully, “what would you name a girl?”

“Katie,” Keith says immediately. Lance turns to him with a soft laugh.

“You constantly surprise me,” Lance says, “with how much you really care about the people you love.”

“Actually,” Keith replies, “I lost a bet to Pidge when I was fifteen, so I have to name my firstborn child Katie.”

Lance levels him with a glare.

“And I agreed because I thought it was a great idea,” Keith finishes quietly, “If I had a daughter, I actually would want to name her after Pidge. She deserves it.”

“Let’s do it,” Lance grins, “Pidge would cry. Honest to God bawl.”

Keith imagines it, and then can’t stop smiling. He’s also still crying.

“I do want a real wedding,” Lance says quietly, “can we do that?”

“Obviously,” Keith nods, “but it has to be better than Shiro and Adam’s.”

“And after Allura and Romelle’s,” Lance says, “so they can’t show us up.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Lance goes back to resting his head on Keith’s shoulder and holding his hand. Keith kisses the top of his head and rests his cheek in Lance’s hair. They sit and watch the stars together until the morning, when they walk hand in hand back to their house. It’s big and it’s all theirs, and Keith is still getting used to it. But there are pieces of them everywhere, from the magnets on the fridge that Lance rearranged to spell “U R HOT,” and Keith’s multiple leather clothing items lying in different places around the house.

Keith can imagine raising a family in this house. Keith can imagine being happy forever in this house, with Lance, on Earth, and still alive in the universe.

In a new, peaceful universe. A universe that Keith explored to every end, finding the pieces of himself and putting them together. Keith found a home in space with Team Voltron, with the Blades, and on Daibazaal with his mom. Keith found a home on Earth with Lance and Keith’s family. And Keith has always had a home with the stars.

Keith’s found a piece of himself in every part of the universe.

Trauma is described as an event that causes a person to lose themselves. Keith is no stranger to trauma, or losing himself. But Keith is also no stranger to recovery, and finding himself. Keith has trauma, and he’ll have depression and take Prozac for the rest of his life. It took years of searching for Keith to finally find himself, and years of heartbreak to finally be happy. It took years for Keith to recover. He still gets nightmares and bad thoughts sometimes, but he has friends to call and someone he loves sleeping next to him to comfort him. He still feels different, sometimes, like a monster. But he has Lance to remind him over and over again that he is _good_.

Keith has a family, in Krolia and Shiro and Pidge and Matt and Adam. Keith has friends, in Hunk and Allura and Coran and Romelle. 

And Keith has Lance. Who loves Keith just as much as Keith loves him.

Keith was broken, lost and sad and hurting for a long, long time. But Keith slowly put himself back together, found himself, and learned to be happy. He’s not constantly in pain anymore, the dull ache is completely gone. Instead it’s replaced by a pretty boy with blue eyes, a soft smile, and a heart that beats in time with Keith’s.

Lance tells Keith that he can always see the stars in Keith’s galaxy eyes, and tries to find a way for Keith to see the stars, too. In the end Lance buys those glow-in-the-dark stars that kids put on their ceilings, and Lance sticks them on the walls and ceiling of their bedroom in their house so Keith can see the stars up close every night. 

They still wander up their hill in the desert and watch the stars from there. Every night, Keith tells Lance a secret and Lance tells Keith a reason why he loves him. Lance doesn’t stop after five years, and never runs out of reasons.

Keith accepts his trauma, every part of it. It defines who he is, but it isn’t everything. Keith is more than his trauma, and Keith is more than his recovery. Keith is good, Keith is selfless. His brothers and sister are Shiro, Matt, Adam, and Pidge. Pidge is also his best friend. He’s going to get married to a pretty boy named Lance with bright blue eyes and the biggest heart he’s ever seen. They have a teleporting space wolf and one day they’re going to have a daughter, a human girl who they'll name Katie. Keith is gay, Korean-American, and half-Galra. Keith looks at the stars with Lance every night.

Keith is wanted, and Keith is loved.

Keith is happy, and Keith is home.

_the end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! i hope you enjoyed this  
> turns out i have a ton of ideas for voltron stuff so I'm probably gonna add this to a series at some point and write more stuff?  
> so yeah ig if you liked this I'll probably write other stuff too
> 
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> 
> thank you to everyone who read this, your comments/kudos/subscriptions mean the world to me!
> 
> :)
> 
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> edit: uhhh you people are making me cry with all your super nice comments thank you y'all make my world


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